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Idol Top 7 Results: In Which the Suspense Is Finally Over
You know, I'm thinking that the use of the judges save has rendered the remainder of this season completely suspense-free. Perhaps that's why the apathy set in.
True, I've always been a fan of Dueling Unicorns, but Simon is right - he's not going to win. And probably won't even get a record contract anytime soon. But at least we'll have one more week of piano magic. (Gliss!) And maybe next week, America will get it right and send home Slumdog and Lo Expectations.
GROUP SONG: It's like they knew he was being voted out, no? Otherwise why does he get the chorus both times? Foreshadowing? You mean the judges didn't make their decision on the spot? Shocking.
JUDGMENT: Is it me, or does Lo Expectations dress like a rich widow going to Vegas?
CAMEOS: Miley, if you're going to headbang, maybe you shouldn't wear a prom dress. And stop raising your hand in the air. We know the song is about climbing. What? You want me to talk about her singing? That's not singing. If I wanted to write about screeching cats, I would devote much more time to WickedRaverSiriano.
JHud: Sure. But why do you always choose that song to sing live? It's not very good.
RESULTS: Finally. No more singing for your life. And I'm happy - I really am. But I feel like each week marches closer and closer to a Wicked/Downey finale and that makes me sad.
NEXT WEEK: Disco. Wicked is going to be in his element and I will probably want to hurl something at my tv. Downey is guaranteed to do some crazy Taylor Hicks-ish dancing. And Slumdog is guaranteed to strut around the stage like an entitled Sigma Chi. But if anyone trots out MacAurthur Park, I will vote for them, no questions asked.Labels: idol
Saturday, April 18, 2009 link
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Idol Top 7: Well At Least It Wasn't Mulan
Oh wait. HSM3 already treated us to that little ditty (Reflections - gag) in the semis. And do we wonder why she didn't make it? Actually, at this point, I'm wondering how half of this cast made it. Tonight's performance episode was almost like a contest to see who could get me to do other things to distract myself the fastest.
OBSERVATION #1 - I'm still mad that I had to go and watch the rest of last week's Fringe on my computer. It's just not the same. And cutting the absurd judges' entrance was probably a good plan. But only letting two judges talk for each contestant? And making Kara and Randy go at the same time? That's practically guaranteeing that half of the contestants will get virtually no constructive criticism. But whatever. The less people fawning over WickedRaver, the better.
Charo - "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith (from Armageddon) - I'm on board. Believe me. But I had a brief Overmeyer flashback during this performance. Crazy hair, growl - the only difference? I don't believe that Charo got her voice from smoking too much crack.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams (from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) - Yawn. I like this better when Brandy sings it. You hear me Slumdog? I like BRANDY circa 1998 better than you.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf (from Easy Rider) - I do not want to get into a car with WickedRS - because he only has two gears: 1st and Overdrive. And even when he's driving in first, he somehow manages to grind the gears. And not in a good way (much like this metaphor). Seriously, do you think you're the second coming of Axl Rose? Because we've seen that dude reincarnated, and it's not a pretty sight. This was nothing more than loud, crazy karaoke. STOP SCREAMING ON MY TV. And Paula - STOP SALIVATING.
Dueling Unicorns - "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams (from Don Juan Demarco) - Wait, this sounds familiar. Right - Daughtry sang it back in the day. And he sang it better. Or at least he didn't try to take away the Latin flavor of the song; he understood that Bryan Adams is a rock singer (easy listening, yes, but still - rock). This wasn't great - much as I want you to do better than other people on this show. Please stop being so spotty, ok?
Dead Wife Sonny Crockett Jr. - "Endless Love" by Diana Ross (from Endless Love) - You know I love a good harp solo. But this was neither the time nor the place. And please stop singing songs that make all of us realize that you're picturing your dead wife. It's just as bad as your friends holding up her picture.
MayerMatthewsMraz - "Falling Slowly" Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (from Once) - Ok. This song would not go away for months. And it was finally off the radar. You know I'm a fan, dude, but did you really have to bring it back? OK, go ahead with the comments, people. I'm the only person in the world to not go nuts for this song on the Oscars last year. Yes, it was mildly cute when the girl got to come back out and thank people, and their modesty is refreshing, but come on. What a boring song. Fine. I'll buy it on the I-Tunes. Now leave me alone.
OBSERVATION #2 - Why am I suddenly in the mood for some Robin Thicke? I don't even like Robin Thicke. And yet I am downloading like crazy. Do you see what you're doing to me, Idol?
Low Expectations - "The Rose" by Bette Midler (from The Rose) - You know, I was merely cringing at your gospel Bette. But then you decided to open your mouth and CUT INTO FRINGE AGAIN. But even if we were running on time, did you really think that arguing was the way to win votes? Your hair-of-many-styles heyday had better be waning. I think you've got at least another week in you (sorry, Slumdog) but I would like you to go away. Soon.
SHOULD GO: Low Expectations
WILL GO: Slumdog FratboyLabels: idol
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 link
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Idol Top 8 Results: In Which I Lose All Respect For Paula and Kara
Are you kidding me? There were some moments there where I didn't think the entire "judges save deliberation" wasn't completely staged. Did the girls really want to use it? After that? After that wretched high note? I will say it out loud - if the judges had used their save last night, it would have been the end of the road for me.
And to think, I almost stopped watching after the sing for your life "performance". I wish I had - it would have spared me the drama and suspense of wondering whether or not I was going to have to burn my Carrie Underwood cds in protest. (Don't worry - I would never do that.)
GROUP SONG: Um. Ouch. This performance has shown us two things:
1. There aren't many songs that work with only two women. Especially two women with radically different sounds.
2. Napoleon was really holding everyone back with the choreography. Now I'm not saying that I enjoy watching idiots do jazz squares, but it has to be better than the back and forth mess they subjected us to last night. I bet the choreographers were jumping for joy at the end of the episode.
JUDGMENT: I spent all my judgment on the group number. It was that bad. And Adam's gigantic feet continue to frighten me. Maybe don't wear white boots, ok?
CAMEOS: Oh Frankie Avalon. Why are you here? Is the national tour of Grease stopping through LA? Do you have a greatest hits cd coming out (or "dropping", as the kids say)? Whether or not you sounded good (I fast forwarded through most of it - that is a boring song, no?) you had a lot of grace on the stage. Some of the kids should learn from you.
Flo Rida. I don't care for rap as a general rule, but this wasn't bad. The thing that I took away from this performance was that one can dance by simply raising one foot in the air, and then switching legs. I'm totally going to work that into my club routine. You know, for all the times I go to clubs.
Pickler: Well, she looks great, doesn't she? And she's certainly a better performer than she was back in the day. And I kind of liked that song (until I found out that Taylor Swift was a co-writer - bleh). But there's a reason Pickler didn't win. And that reason is she's just not an awesome singer. Oh well.
RESULTS: Thank you, America for not making me hate you. Paula and Kara? The verdict is still out.
NEXT WEEK: Oh we're in for a doozie (how does one spell that?) of a week next week. "Idols at the Movies," mentored by Quentin Tarantino. Yeah, I bet he knows a lot about singing. Plus performances by JHud and Miley Cyrus. I might have to start drinking earlier in the day.Labels: idol
Wednesday, April 08, 2009 link
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Idol Top 8: God I'm Old
After last night's extended session of martinis and madness, I decided to take a nap after work. So I was nice and refreshed when I woke up for Idol. I kind of wish I'd stayed asleep, though. Because in addition to making me say "Ugh" each time they announced their birthday, each contestant managed to bore me to tears.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "Stand by Me" by Mickey Gilley: About midway through this song I decided that I was bored enough to go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You hear that, Gokey? You've become background noise. Stop trying to inspire me and go back to the PYT vibe.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley: I'm of the opinion that the producers hate MMM. Why else would they put him on the stupid "middle of the audience" pedestal? He looks like a munchkin amid a field of swaying flowers. Or poppies. Maybe that's why I'm falling asleep again. (Yeah, I just referenced The Wizard of Oz. Deal with it.) This is the first week in a while that I'm not shelling out 99 cents on the I-Tunes - yawn.
Low Expectations - "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner: Screw listening to the judges. Why haven't you listened to me for the last 5 weeks? You've been singing karaoke this whole time and I'm glad you finally got called on it. If you don't wind up in the bottom three I will...well, I'll do something bold and unexpected. You know - kind of like you haven't been doing this whole time.
Slumdog Fratboy - "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper: I'm sorry. I don't like this song. I never have. It remind me of those old Kodak commercials. And if that dates me, so be it. Because guess what? I wasn't born in the mid to late 80's (or 90's - god.) so I'm not hearing these songs for the first time. I will give Slumdog some props for making his frat boy friends stay at home. Now the only thing making him look like a loser is that green cardigan.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite - "The Search is Over" by Survivor: I'm starting to feel bad for making fun of the blind kid. Can we just let him go home and stop this madness? This was bad. Seriously. Let him go, people.
Charo - "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt: I am now a fan. Maybe not a fan that would buy her cd, but in this season of severe mediocre-ness, her manic panic is actually a bright spot. But why does Randy refuse to say Kelly's name? Is he worried that a direct comparison will create an Alexis Grace moment again? (SIDEBAR: I'm ok with the Bonnie and George Michael versions of this song, but what I really enjoy is Megan Mullally's Connie Raitt version on SNL - if anyone can find it on the internet somewhere I'll be eternally grateful.)
Dueling Bubbles - "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder: During this whole performance I was trying to figure out what was really making it work. And then it hit me: the fedora covers up the mole. If there was ever a reason to rock a hat, this is it. Because as one of my friends pointed out last week - the mole makes him look like a unicorn. Which means his choices are to 1) wear hat and cover up or 2) wear pink glitter and hope that the Rainbow Archuletta Coalition will be powerless against mythical creatures.
OBSERVATION: Why hasn't someone yelled at the "director" yet? Seven minutes over time is excessive. And I swear if this dude's lack of skills means that my Fringe recording cuts off before the closing credits, I am going to hold Donnie personally responsible.
Donnie Darko - "Mad World" by Tears for Fears: Sigh. Yes, most of this song sounds good. Yes, the downlight worked for Bo way back in Season 4 (and again for this douche a few weeks ago - is the light designer asleep at the wheel?). But you know what? I'm so over the hype that nothing you do is going to make me like you. Your high notes make me want to peel the skin from my arms. And your fringey scarf? Just reminds me that I'm missing Fringe. Jerk.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Napoleon
Tomorrow night: Flo-rida and Kellie Pickler. Wasn't this supposed to be a showcase for past winners? Is Pickler really the best you can get this week? I seriously doubt Taylor Hicks is unavailable. (Watch next week's guest be Bucky Covington or Crappy Lee Suck. Perhaps in a moving duet about living in a trailer park.) We still need performances from Carrie, Fantasia (yee!) and Jordin before we start scraping the bottom of the barrel.Labels: idol
Wednesday, April 08, 2009 link
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Idol Top 9 Results: In Which I Ponder Zippers As Accessories
Oh children. What is happening with the world? Two glasses of wine and I passed out at 10:30. If it weren't for Jenni's assist yesterday, I never would have made it. I think we can blame the contact high from standing too close to my TV when Tropical Barbie (also dubbed Puff Puff Pass by some of my more astute co-critics) was singing.
GROUP SONG: While this wasn't a complete train wreck like last week, it only made me want to see Glee even more. Did you catch the preview during the performance episode? I'd pay money for that recording of Don't Stop Believing.
JUDGMENT: You can tell I was tired - the only thought I could muster up was that Tender Puppy should have saved his "Please Don't Stop the Music" t-shirt until he is in the Top 4 and in danger of being Daughtry-ed out of the finals without the safety net of the judges' save.
CAMEOS: What? What the hell was that? You just know that Tropical Stoner Barbie was thinking "I sound just like her! Slap a zipper on my eye and we can have the same career!" If I could have voted out Lady Gaga, I would have. I do like the see-through piano though - I'll give her that.
Cookie's pre-taped performance seemed a little sleepy. But knowing that he's canceled some concerts due to family issues makes me wonder if he was worried about his brother or something and not seeing him in the audience with his mom made him extra sad. I'll give him a pass. After all - I contributed to the platinumifcation of his album. And part of me enjoys when people who are emotional well up all the time - but not in a creepy Bachelor way.
RESULTS: Way to get it right, America. I would have been happy with either one of the bottom two going. (Why was Slumdog's fratdouche friend wearing a bowtie tonight? Lame.) But the caw-ing and the apathy and the crazy eyes made me glad that it was Barbie's time.
NEXT WEEK: Songs From the Year They Were Born is just a fancy way of saying 80's night. And it's also a convenient way for the producers to make me feel old. Jerks.Labels: idol
Thursday, April 02, 2009 link
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Idol Top 9: Modern Day Disaster
Rehearsals started this week, so I couldn't even watch last night's episode until 11:45pm. Then I had to give some sort of presentation to a bunch of MBA's all morning. But I don't want to leave you people high and dry. So I present to you a special guest appearance by Miss Jenni A. She agrees with me on many fronts, most notably the sheer absurdity of WickedRaverSiriano. Give her some love, OK?
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Oh my...
Observations:
Can we please get rid of that stupid narcissistic grand entrance to introduce the judges? Ugh.
Does Ryan Seacrest ever sleep?
Does Paula ever get enough sleep at night? Her eyes always look so heavy.
Who does Kara's hair? I was digging the hairstyle last night. But that was about it.
(these may be out of order)
Slumdog (Caught up): OK douche, stop trying to be Michael Jackson, Usher, Bobby Brown, Ne-Yo or Chris Brown (Oh... too soon?). If you're going to sing a song with a lot of rhythm... then you have to dance... not just jump down, hit a Michael Jackson pose and expect the sorority girls to go crazy. You would have been much better singing that Slumdog Bollywood song that's everywhere nowadays.
Jamaican Lillith Fair Barbie (Turn Your Lights Down Low): I am actually glad she didn't do Adele or Amy Winehouse or Duffy.. because this girl is no where near as talented as they are and I think she keeps avoiding those songs because she knows it will show just how weak she is as a singer. Sure she has the same vibe, but not the same talent. Was this the wrong song choice? Eh. It wasn't as horrible as the judges made it seem... but her shtick is old. Time for you to ride off into the Jamaican sunset and spark one up, honey.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. (What Hurts The Most): Well, good for DWD for not throwing the dead wife shtick in our faces. But you know he subconciously does these "longing" songs to generate sympathy votes... let's not sugar-coat it. He can't be blind like Scott... and he doesn't have a little kid to throw him or herself on Randy... so he has to "tear at people's heart strings" to get people to dial. I thought he was flat and kind of under the notes the entire time... but oh well. P.S. I highly expect him to discuss his wife on camera in the coming weeks, especially if he gets booted into the bottom 3 at some point.
Paula's Daughter (Don't Speak): The outfit was a bit "I wanna be a rock star someday, mommy!" but it fit the performance. The first half of the song was sooooo much better than the second half. It got kind of "Courtney Love on crack" towards the end. I think you're going down to the bottom 3 tonight... even though you're just 16!!!!!!
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Just The Way You Are): I liked it. I especially liked it when Kara said she liked the new look... he doesn't know what he looks like stupid!!! I also love the disrespect in the he showed Ryan by wearing his iPod earbuds in the radio studio when Ryan was talking.. or was that just a cheap plug for Apple? But the song was good. He showed a little more vocal range which was nice... he can stick around another week for another inspirational song on the piano.
Dueling Bubbles (You Found Me): Oh boy... I don't know what disappointed me more: The fact that you didn't do a Timberlake song, the fact that you picked the wussiest band around right now to cover, the fact that you grunted the entire song to make your voice seem more "rockish" or your justification for doing that song "well, I like rock." Hey buddy, so do I, but I'm not going to attempt to sing it on national TV (I would totally do Beyonce... duh!). Stick to what you do best and pick artists who aren't going to be the next Candlebox and have people look back on their albums and say "Ick, why did I ever spend 10 bucks on this album?"
Lil Disappointing (I Surrender): First off, no one can do this song like Kelly Clarkson did in the final 3 on season 1 when Simon picked it for her. Girlfriend sang it with laryngitis and still sang it better than this senior citizen singer. Sure she had nice control over her voice... but my grandmother's Depends also have nice control... and that's who I'm going to start comparing you to Lil Rounds.. my Grandma. Because you had every chance to do something B96-ish... and you blew it... AGAIN! However, I predict you will be spared the bottom 3 because instead of the judges reminding us how GREAT you are like they did last week, Ryan saved you by sending your adorable kid to ham it up for the cameras with Randy. Well played, Seacrest.
Fallout Elvis (Play That Funky Music): What a joke.
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz (Ain't No Sunshine): I have 4 words for Kris, "He has now been crowned my new boyfriend for the season... because he is on fire." I agree that he brought the swagger last night... but he also brought that singer/songwriter angst to a song that's a million years old and made it sound new again. He's the most current artist right now... and I think he can ride Jason Mraz's coattails all the way to the final 3. Well done.
Top 3:
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz
Dead Wife Downey, Jr.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite
Bottom 3:
Slumdog
Jamaican Barbie
Paula's Daughter
Will go: Slumdog
Should go: Jamaican BarbieLabels: idol
Wednesday, April 01, 2009 link
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Idol Top 10 Results: In Which I Find a Nap To Be More Appealing
So I was watching Samantha Who while waiting for Idol to finish (the DVR is a necessity for all Idol viewing) and fell asleep. Then I woke up and rewound and watched the end of Christina Applegate and her hijinks with Jennifer Esposito. And then I decided that I needed a full-on nap and slept on my couch until 10. That's how little I cared about tonight's elimination episode.
GROUP SONG: Did this seem like an afterthought? It was really strangely edited - like they didn't have time for rehearsal or something. And what was with all the retrospective photos? Opry week didn't get that kind of love. My only thought was that Lil should try singing her solo songs as well as this.
JUDGMENT: Man, WickedRaverSirianoIsaak's feet must be huge. It looks like he's walking around in bozo shoes.
CAMEOS: Something about the Joss/Smokey harmonies just weren't right. I like them both - separately.
Ruuuuuuben is still a good time. I feel bad that he hasn't had a better career. (I thought he lost a bunch of weight though...was that someone else?) Although it was a good performance, I'm really creeped out about the fact that Seacrest wiped the excessive sweat of Ruben's bald head with his bare hand. Ew.
Stevie rocks. Just like always. It's a shame that Napoleon can't see what a blind piano performance SHOULD look like. Stevie always looks like he's having a good time. And I think I need to learn the harmonica. Luckily, his blindess saved him from witnessing Kara's inane hand on the heart posing/sing-a-long.
RESULTS: Are you kidding me, America? Dueling Bubles in the bottom 2? Booo. Booooooooo. Roughneck deserved to go, but this was all a little too close for comfort for my liking. I'll try to ramp up my voting next week, but I can't do it all on my own. It's a good thing I was well rested, because I spent at least ten minutes shaking my fist at the tv. And that's a good aerobic workout.
NEXT WEEK: My Tivo cut off right after Simon delivered his "You're going home" after the oh-so-authentic judges debate about whether to save poor Roughneck. Anyone know what next week's theme is?Labels: idol
Friday, March 27, 2009 link
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Idol Top 10: Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing
Ok kids, it's time to settle down with a nice glass of wine. And when I say "nice," I mean "cheap." And when I say "glass," I mean "bottle." Because if anything is going to drive me to drink, it's tonight's performance episode. Seriously.
Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.
Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.
OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.
Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.
Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.
Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.
OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?
Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?
WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.
Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.
OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.
I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie
COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)Labels: idol
Thursday, March 26, 2009 link
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Idol Top 11 Results: In Which Carrie Is Attacked By Fashion
Last night I got my eyes dilated about 30 minutes before watching the results show, so sitting down and typing out a recap wasn't going to happen. Instead I chose to focus on my new bottle of mango infused vodka (refreshing with a nice splash of lemonade).
GROUP SONG: I'm glad a Travis Tritt made it onto the show this year. I was worried that with no true country singers in the cast that his down home mullett-y good times would be ignored. Oh, but then they started singing - and we learn that Travis Tritt is not meant to be performed by a co-ed ensemble. I did my best to block out the singing (although the harmonies during the girls' verse were nice) and the step touch and focus on the fact that Napoleon's piano WAS NOT MIC-ED. That's right kids, the cool piano licks you heard? Not played by him. So now he's got a ghost pianist in the band. Awesome. Let's keep fooling America as long as we can, ok?
JUDGMENT: Two nights in a row of semi-normal glasses for DWDJr. But this brings to mind the question - just how many pairs does he own? Is he spending his weekly allowance on frames?
CAMEOS: Love to Brad Paisley, but couldn't he rock something a little harder for Idol? A weepy ballad is not the way to drive record sales.
I think it's nice to bring out former Idols. It shows the current cast just how it should be done - and how much they are seriously lacking. But I worry. Who is going to pull out the Kenley Collins Hair Feather(TM) so they can be more like Carrie? (My bet is on WickedSiriano.) Since I don't like to make fun of Carrie, I will say that I enjoy the new haircut, enjoy the song, but wonder why Randy actually needed to be there? What did he sing? Like 24 bars? Clearly it was transposed to hit Carrie's money notes, so if it's too high for you, man, just sit there and play the guitar. None of us will mind. In fact, we'll feel better not thinking that the two of you are in love. (Randy's looking old, dawg.)
RESULTS: Roughneck dodged a bullet, huh? Apparently the people love him. Next week, I fully expect him to come out waving an American flag. I'm only a little sad that Jane had to go...my Manic Panic stock is going to plummet.
NEXT WEEK: Did Seacrest sound a little mad at the President for preempting the TueLabels: idol
Thursday, March 19, 2009 link
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Idol Top 11: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
I was really ready for tonight to be a Texas-sized disaster (you know, like the practice of burying meat in the ground and then calling it BBQ), but it wasn't terrible. Here is my one complaint from every season's country night: put away the damn steel guitar.
That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.
Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.
Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.
OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.
Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.
Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.
WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.
OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.
Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.
OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.
Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.
BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.
Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood): Ugh. Why this song? Boring. No, it's OK. Ooh, I wish the orchestra wasn't coming in with those whiny strings. And the backup singers. I wish they would go away. They ruin everything. GLISS! OK, I'm totally buying this - ANOTHER GLISS! That was a seriously kick-ass performance. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah, I go nuts for a good gliss. But when you throw two in there? Well it doesn't get better than that. And nice that after my second viewing of this performance, we are all treated to Kara crowing "There is nothing small about you!" Oh my.
OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck
P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.Labels: idol
Tuesday, March 17, 2009 link
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Idol Top 13: My Life Would Suck Without Kelly
As I was driving home at 12:15 last night, all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I perservered for you people - I wouldn't want anyone to go without their second weekly dose of vitriol. Sadly, I'm not that angry about last night - but don't worry - I can always summon up a little bit of angst when it counts.
GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)
Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.
JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.
CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.
Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.
RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)
NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?Labels: idol
Thursday, March 12, 2009 link
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Idol Top 13: Burn This Disco Out
It was really hard to muster up the urge to watch tonight's Michael Jackson extravaganza. After all, I spent my entire ride home from work singing "I Do Not Hook Up" at the top of my lungs. That's right, I bought the new Kelly Clarkson cd this morning. Then again, last week I bought Phil Stacey and Ace Young cds for $2.50 each at Circuit City's clearance sale just to see how bad they could be. So I'm 1 for 3 on good Idol purchases for this season.
That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:
I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.
Ready now? Great, I'll start over.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.
HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.
WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.
Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.
Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.
Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.
BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.
WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.
Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?
Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.
SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) NapoleonLabels: idol
Tuesday, March 10, 2009 link
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American Idol Wildcard Round: OK, sure.
Yeah, this was totally decided during the commercial break. The judges didn't have their favorites picked out in advance at all.
To save some time, let's list the good performances:
Matt
Ricky
And now let's list the bad performances:
Jesse
Von
Megan (Don't choose songs that remind me of my McPheever. You're not that good.)
Jasmine
Tatiana
Slumdog gets a pass, because well, I was bored after he botched that first low note and I fast forwarded.
The irony here is that I would also make similar lists for fashion judgment; except they would be switched around. (Skinny jeans, fedora, scarf...come on kids - did you take a page from the Johnny Depp playbook? You're not Johnny. You can't pull that stuff off.) Again, Slumdog gets a pass, because I'm pretty sure I own that polo shirt, and he deserves some props for not caring enough about what he looks like to just rock what he was wearing earlier today.
So although my picks were dead on (and I had a sneaking suspicion they'd pull out a fourth stool, but that didn't come until this afternoon in the middle of a very long wildcard discussion that devolved into talking about Lauren leaving the Hills - but I digress) I don't think that anyone but Howl at the Moon deserved it. But HSM3, BlondBjork and Slumdog were in it from the start. Even if one of them fell off the stage, I think the judges would have said something like "At least you fell off the stage like you - I know who you are as an artist. You are current, you're different, you're clumsy and I love it."
Oh whatever. Get ready for the finals. Top 13:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
Charo
WonderBread
WickedRaverSiriano
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME. EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED IF YOU DON'T AGREE.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite
Menudo
HSM3
BlondBjork
Slumdog Idol
Howl at the Moon
Joanna and Apo'strophe, I miss you most of all.Labels: idol
Thursday, March 05, 2009 link
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American Idol 25-36: Results (No more headbands!)
It's hard to get riled up when things happen pretty much as you expect them to. Then again, when you expect things to be stupid and they are, there's still room for anger. I just can't decide where to direct it.
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME was pretty much a given, so I'm glad they "revealed" it to us right away.
NAPOLEON BLIND-O-MITE (thanks, Erin) isn't actually that good of a singer, chooses poor songs, and is only passable on the piano. But, did you hear? He's BLIND! He can't see anything at all, the music just moves his soul - and mountains. I'm disappointed that all of America appears to have contracted Marlee Matlin syndrome and has left out a number of people that are better singers. Disappointed...but not surprised. (If there is a silver lining here, maybe there will be fewer group dance numbers. Or else they'll just make him do turns on a chair like they did tonight, while everyone runs circles around him. Awesome.)
And while we're on the subject of awesome, can we get rid of Blindy's brother? If I have to see his floppy hair and crazy smile one more time, I might throw something at my tv. You know he's going to walk out there with a homemade cardboard sign at some point. There are plenty of other people on stage - one of them can help him to his Ikea stool.
MENUDO was good and all, but let's retire that song from Idol, ok? They sing it every year, and it doesn't ever get less annoying. It's like they're pleading for votes, and all it makes me want is the sun to come down on them - very hard. And the fact that it got you in over my boy Apos'trophe, well, that just makes me hate it more.
And let's review the other members of the Top 12 before we get on to this wildcard nonsense, because the producers WILL. NOT. LET. US. FORGET. THEM.
WEEK 1:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
WEEK 2:
Charo
WonderBread (number one in the race for the Archtastic Blah award)
WickedRaverSiriano
Does anyone think this looks like a winning group? No? Me neither.
WILDCARD NONSENSE
I was hoping that Jamie was right and that they'd stack the deck for women in the wildcard round. Because really - 2/3 men in the top 9? Not cool. Half of the voters are 11 year old girls who vote for Siriano because he's cute and apparently looks like Robert Whatshisname. These are the same girls that ALMOST LET DAVID ARCHULETTA WIN. They can't be trusted.
On the upside, my first two weeks of wildcard picks were spot on, with the unexpected, yet not unwelcome presence of Bette Davis Eyes. But she has some stiff competition with HSM3, BlondBjork and When Rabbit Howls. Wait - scratch that. I refuse to believe that the judges would actually put WRH into the Top 12, no matter how well she does tomorrow. Sad for Faux-anna Pacitti, because she definitely deserved another chance way more.
And I'm also sad for Apostrop'he, because he deserved to be in the finals way more than THAT KID WHO SINGS REALLY LOUD. Tight pants, Slumdog Idol and Dueling Timberlakes were pretty expected, but LOUD? Not so much.
Ok, prediction time. I think we need more women, so I'm going 2-1, on the assumption that no one royally sucks it up:
HSM3 (Jasmine)
BlondBjork (Megan)
Slumdog Idol (Anoop)
and if one of the chicks blows it
Dueling Timberlakes (Giraud)
And there we have it. See you tomorrow.Labels: idol
Thursday, March 05, 2009 link
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American Idol 25-36: I Still Have Feelings For Molly
Because, the real question is, will anyone be talking about Idol tomorrow morning, or will we continue to spend all of our time at the water cooler discussing the douchebaggery of The Bachelor? Because when I pushed the stop button on my Idol viewing tonight and went back to live tv, Jason had his arm around Molly and they looked awfully chummy as Chris gave them the tent from the camping episode.
And all this does is prove that I also watch The Bachelor. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment.
VON SMITH (aka That Kid Who Sings Really Loud): Could anyone else tell that he really wanted to let loose and belt out that entire song. Snaps for fighting against that urge. Red shoes aside, this wasn't bad. But I couldn't help wondering where I'd heard this song before. And then I remembered: Kelly sang it on season 1. (No, I'm not saying he shouldn't have sung this song - Kelly does not own it - I just have no idea who sang it originally aside from her.) But because Von decided to make that stupid phone sign with his hand, I am going to listen to the 1:38 recording of Kelly's performance just to be spiteful.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA: This was so boring that I let my mind wander. Why does Alicia Keys insist on forcing two words to share one syllable? I would now like to point out that "I" and "ain't" are two separate words. And while we're on the subject (and to save me from complaining about it later) "what I feel for you" sounds too much like "what I'm feel for you" which then leads me to wonder if she's also combining the "ing" in feeling with "for" to make the sentence grammatically correct. Then again, maybe I'm trying to give Alicia too much credit - she's always going to be the person that stole the Grammy from India.Arie, and in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to give up grudges.
ALEX W-T: Well, the judges pretty much covered all of my notes (Why are you growling?) so I'll focus on telling America not to vote for the second coming of TAYLOR HICKS. Dude is Teen Angel now. Are you happy America? (Was anyone else creeped out when AW-T sang "thunder under the cover"? Ew.)
Observation #1: Here's a good time to take a survey: why do the backup singers suck so royally this year? I wonder if I would have been less hard on Charo if her backup had been as good as Carrie's.
ARIANNA AFSAR: Sad. I wanted to like her. But Meryl Streep performed this song better. And that's not saying much.
JU'NOT JOYNER: From the Wikipedia: "In current English usage, contraction is shortening of a word, syllable, or word group by omission of internal letters." Which makes me wonder - what letters are supposed to be between the U and the N? For example, my friend Maria-Alicia decided it would be fun to go by M'Alicia. See what she did there? Makes sense. Ju'Not does not make sense. (Nor do the handcuffs you are inexplicably wearing on your belt loop.) Whatev - this was a good performance. I voted for you four times and I bought in on the I-Tunes (my first purchase of the season). You're welcome.
KRISTIN MCNAMARA: This is not a good song for Idol. (Although I love the song and even enjoyed Jordin's performance from years ago, she really dodged a bullet.) Tracy sings like six notes in the whole song - and changing keys every verse is just cheating. And this is coming from a man who wells up for a really good key change. But I will give you a pass, Stretch Pants, because you got rid of the manic panic, which means I had at least one week with no kool-aid red hair to look at.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL (aka Olivia Piercing Headband): Is America ready for you? No. At least, I'm not ready for you. Since your performance was complete crap (but your grandma likes it!), and Simon stole my joke (my note read "I have a hard time believing there's something you won't do for love"), I am only left with the look. Sigh. I suppose I could get past the American Apparel deep v-neck - wait, no I can't. It looks like you're wearing a tank top. That, combined with your preposterous use of headbands (why? why?!?!), is the reason that Simon compared you to Olivia Newton John (not Elton John, Randy - although I wouldn't put it past that dude to wear headbands). My only other question: who were you pointing at when you were singing?
FELICIA BARTON (aka Fuax-anna Pacitti): I'm having a hard time accepting you, but I'm trying. Your voice has an interesting Natasha Bedingfield quality - you know, where it's not actually a "good" voice, per se, but there's something about it that's pleasing to the ear. I'm not sure what it is.
Observation #2: Ricky and the band suck this year too. Let's hope when the band is no longer hidden behind a screen, they won't sound so much like the karaoke machine at a Chinese restaurant.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: I'm not feeling it. I don't like this song. (What the hell is Bruce Hornsby saying?) Do I think you move mountains? No. But it was better than I thought it would be. The only way you could get more sympathy votes is if you'd sang God Bless America.
KENDALL BEARD: Speaking of, Kendall should have taken a page from the Krappy Lee Suck playbook and sang God Bless the USA. She would have literally sailed into the Top 12, quite possibly on an American flag. But since she chose to be your regular average blond country Idol contestant (i.e. Carrie, Pickler, Krappy Lee) and sing a Martina McBride song, she's going to have to hope that the Nation of Underwood wants a country singer in the Top 12 bad enough to make the calls. I'm thinking it's not going to happen.
JORGE NUNEZ: I'm sorry that my character map doesn't have a capital ñ key for me to spell your name correctly. I'm also sorry that you can't see what would make you a shoo-in for the Top 12: sing some Ricky Martin. There has never been a Latin Idol. Find your niche - otherwise you're just a few months away from performing in a Mexican tour of Spam-a-lot. Yes, this performance was good, but I don't think you're moving any mountains either.
THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, NO REALLY, YOU MUST LOVE HER, SHE MIGHT BE THE SECOND COMING (aka Lil Rounds): Really? The closing spot? It's almost as if the producers are telling us to vote for you. Shocking. Don't you worry. Even though I barely understood a single word you sang (it's called "diction"), America has been waiting to make up for their past transgressions, and Syesha was way more Vonzell than JHud. Welcome to the Top 12. (P.S. Don't think I didn't notice you AGAIN changing the lyrics to the song to pimp yourself out to the voting public. Lame.)
TOP TWO: Lil & Scott (although I think Ju'Not deserves it more)
#3: Felicia or Jorge
WILD CARD PREDICTIONS
From Week 1: Braddy (Tight Pants), Anoop (Slumdog Idol)
From Week 2: Jasmine, Giraud (Howl at the Moon), Megan Joy
From Week 3: Ju'Not (Apostrophe), Arianna (Shiny Button), KristinLabels: idol
Wednesday, March 04, 2009 link
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Idol 13-24: Results
When I got home at 6:45, I came upon a disastrous sight: my cable box was not on. Just imagine - if I hadn't gotten home in time, and had relied on the gods of Tivo to magically record my Thursday night shows, well, you lucky people wouldn't get to experience my full-on Idol wrath.
Speaking of wrath: It seems that my criticism of Charo's (Iraheta) song choice sparked some controversy today. So let's just lay it all out on the table. It's common knowledge among Idol aficionados that some songs should not be touched, because they will draw immediate comparisons to the Idol contestant that originally rocked it. Here's a short list:
Alone/Crying (Carrie Underwood)
Natural Woman/Stuff Like That There (Kelly Clarkson)
Hemmorhage (Daughtry)
Proud Mary (Trenyce)
Solitaire (Clay Aiken)
Superstar (Ruben Studdard)
All By Myself (La Toya London)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Katharine McPhee)
Circle of Life (Jennifer Hudson)
In a Dream (Bo Bice)
Summertime (Fantasia)
You Give Love a Bad Name (Blake Lewis)
I Who Have Nothing (Jordin Sparks)
My Funny Valentine (Mindy Doo)
Dance With My Father (Tamyra Gray)
Do I Do (Mario Vasquez)
Yes, there may be others. You may not agree with all of the songs on this list. Or you may be mad that your favorite contestant is not represented. Hell, some of my favorite contestants aren't on the list (I still miss you, Carly!). Whatever - if you sing Alone (Gina Glocksen, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson) you deserve to be compared to Carrie. And it will not be a favorable comparison.
Then there are songs that just need to be retired because of the sheer number of singers who attempt and fail to rock. I Don't Wanna Be and Take a Look at Me Now fall into this category. Anything by Whitney, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jacson and Mariah are also here (unless you can bring out something new like Cook and Castro did on Carey night last season).
Now I'm sure there will be some arguments (or attempts at arguments). But this is my Idol commentary, which means that I know more about Idol than you do. And the fact that I'm listening to a nice mix of Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner and Christina Christian right now should be enough proof for you.
And now that I've thrown down, let's get to tonight's results.
GROUP SONG: Jason Mraz? Good for a group song. Ne-Yo? Not so much. I like this song a lot, but these kids did it no favors. Especially with WickedSiriano mugging for the camera the entire time and Normal/Whatever His Name Is forgetting the words. And is it just me, or was last week's group a lot more coordinated when it came to the dancing? This bunch looked like a big group karaoke performance at a frat party.
JUDGMENT: Much less deplorable fashion tonight, even though there were a few skinny jeans (and one Daisy Dukes) sightings. (I'm going to stop complaining about Siriano now, because it's just going to get old.)
CAMEOS: Oh Barefoot Potbelly - I can't say I missed you. I now remember how much you annoyed me. But for your sake, I wish that the piano was on a revolve, because it looks like you neck hurt from trying to sing to the camera and the rest of the audience.
RESULTS: Charo and WickedSiriano (God I want to call you Fallout, but that name was taken last year; other good suggestions have been "Falsetto Jagger" and "David Cook: The Musical!" I'll let you all be the judges) were pretty much locks, but I appreciate the final suspense of wondering whether I was going to get up and kick America's ass.
And I'll happily concede that I didn't ever think that WonderBread would make an appearance in the top 12 this soon. He seems like he's actually pretty good. I think last night was just an aberration - so I'm ok with the results.
Potential Wildcard singers (based mostly on previous judge pimping, not on actual talent): Mishavonna, Jesse, Megan Joy, Giraud and Jasmine. With Slumdog and Tight Pants in the running from last week, that brings our total to eight - and we've heard that there may only be 8-9 contestants in the Wildcard round, so next week should be interesting.
Speaking of next week, we finally get to see SHE WHO CAN SING ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND AS A RESULT PEACE WILL RULE THE LAND (sorry, Lil Rounds), the Drama Queen and that Kid Who Sings Really Loud. Come to think of it, they all sing really loud. Awesome.Labels: idol
Thursday, February 26, 2009 link
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American Idol 13-24: More E-Trade Baby
I wish that someone would take these broken wings and learn to fly again. I know it's sad when I fast forward through the performances and watch the commercials, but that baby is hilarious. If this is how the entire season is going to go, I'm going to need a lot more vodka.
JASMINE MURRAY: Well at least Jasmine started a trend. Once she chose a song poorly everyone seemed to fall in line.
MATT GIRUAD: And then Matt added his own twist to the proceedings: way too much vibrato. Doesn't anyone have any control over their voice. Come on.
JEANINE VAILES: I have a feeling there's a reason that we haven't seen you sing a SINGLE NOTE until tonight. (I actually had a really mean sentence here, but I think it's too early to show my true colors.) I don't think America has seen enough of you to give you another chance, so I won't kick you while you're down.
NICK/NORMAN: You're a joke. Go away.
ALLISON IRAHETA: This is one of those songs that should have been retired after the first time that Carrie Underwood blew it away. All I could think the entire time was "Not Carrie. Not Carrie. Not Carrie." Because it wasn't. It was loud. Too loud. And get a real haircolor, kid.
KRIS ALLEN: Ho hum...
MEGAN JOY CORKREY: OK, I like a nice font as much as the next guy (well, probably more than the next guy, especially if it's a nice sans serif - but I digress), so I hope that Megan goes back to her typesetter. Because, oh look, it's another bad song choice with too much vibrato. Awesome.
MATT BREITZKE: Tonic? Really? OK then.
JESSE LANGSETH: Did anyone else know that this chick is Johnny Lang's sister? Does anyone care? No? Me neither. Tread softy...Because you do not sing a song covered by my favorite Gwyneth and expect to get away with it. Thank the sweet lord JLang sounded more Kim Carnes-y, otherwise I would have been seriously angry instead of mildly peeved.
JUSTIN GUARINI: Wait, what? Who? Kai Kalama? Nope, I got nothin.
MISHAVONNA HENSON: Well Train covers never turn out to be better than the original...which isn't really saying much. But if I have to choose a favorite tonight, this is it. Eh.
ADAM LAMBERT: Although I enjoy visiting the Hot Chicks with Douchebags site for my daily dose of tool-dom, I prefer that they stay silent. I do not want them singing on my TV. I especially do not want them SCREAMING ON MY TV. I had actually gotten really close to a good nap during the last few songs, and this just ruined it. And it's really not fair that I had to open my eyes to witness the hardcore douchebaggery going on from your Christian Siriano'ed hair to your unlaced Army Surplus boots. And don't think I didn't notice the fingerless gloves. Boo.
People that got my votes: the people who make Ketel One.
Every fiber of my being wishes that I could pretend this week never happened. Instead, I'd like to watch the results show tomorrow to find that Slumdog Idol (Anoop) and Elliott Lite (Braddy) got more write in votes than anyone else. And Mishavonna can stick around, because she annoys me the least (but still a little bit with the floppy hat she insists on wearing everywhere). Sadly, I doubt that will happen. So if I have to make a prediction...
TOP TWO: Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta
#3: Mishavonna/Justin/MattLabels: idol
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 link
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Idol 1-12: Results
Full disclosure: I first watched this on mute in a bar. Then when I got home, I tivoed to the good stuff. Let's be honest - I heard those songs last night, and they weren't that good. I don't want to hear them again. But let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that we didn't have to waste time fast forwarding through Stevie and/or Casey again after they were eliminated.
GROUP SONG: At least it wasn't a bad medley from some decade of yesteryear. But did anyone else get the feeling that Tatiana has never heard of Jason Mraz? Snapping, swaying, the realization that when the girls sang in groups of three that it was just not good...it could have been worse. But I have long said that Jason's songs are meant for an ensemble, and this proved me right. (Yes, it would be better without at least 6 bad singers in the group, but whatev.)
JUDGMENT: Ricky, I could have been down with you and the bunch. But not when you decided to bust out those skinny jeans. Bad choice. And what was that thing hanging from Jackie's ear? I think it was actually something leaking out of her brain.
CAMEOS: Yes, I love you Carly. But I have already heard you sing this song. You sang it on the finale, remember? How about something new? Oh well. Have you heard all of the Carrie/David duet? I'd pay money for that. You can view it by clicking here.
RESULTS: Now that they're in the top 12, it's time for some nicknames. 2/3 correct (Dead Wife Downey Jr. and Jane Mancini), and Michael (Roughneck) was one of my choices for the #3 spot. I have a feeling we'll see Ricky (Tight Pants) and Anoop (Slumdog Idol) in the wildcard round. And thank the sweet lord we've seen the last of Tatiana (hereafter known as "When Rabbit Howls" - look it up).
And yes, I know Downey and Slumdog are not exactly politically correct. But I don't care. Thanks to Erica and Jenni for the assists.Labels: idol
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 link
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American Idol 1-12: A Texting Odyssey
In the words of my friend Jeremy, this show was a bit ruff, dog. So rough that I spent a majority of the episode texting about how bad people were. And while at first it seemed like a good idea to just type out the texts and call it a day, I realized that would be taking the easy way out. These kids sang their hearts out and deserve at least a couple of complete sentences before America hopefully does not vote for them.
Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.
JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.
RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.
ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"
BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?
STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.
ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.
MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.
CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.
ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.
...
Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because
STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.
People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.
PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/BrentLabels: idol
Tuesday, February 17, 2009 link
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Where have you gone, Nikki McKibbin?
Seriously, I wish I'd invested in Manic Panic before tonight's episode - sales are going to go through the roof. Which is just one reason why I am ANGRIER AT IDOL THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE. Remember when each season had just one unfortunately pink-haired finalist? (See: Nikki, Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin.) I had hoped the trend had died out and that we would only be left with some random highlighted unfortunateness that would go away via votes (Amanda Overmeyer) or the image consultants (David Cook). But they're making up for lost time this year. Three pink people? Come on.
I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.Labels: idol
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 link
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Cook: The Review
I've been trying to figure out which song is my favorite, and they're
really all awesome. Generally they follow the same formula:
Verse
Chorus
Verse
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus - quietly, introspectively, and down an octave, without drums or bass
Repeat Chorus - and rock out.
It usually annoys me when a cd sounds like one song, but I have to
admit that I like that one song. And he breaks out of the box a few
times, so it's totally worth it. Definitely better than Daughtry and
his "songwriting partner" Ace Young.
For those of you on the I-Tunes, check out: Bar-Ba-Sol, Declaration
and Come Back to Me.
update: I now especially enjoy the block from track 4 - track 7.Labels: idol
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 link
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Top 3: Part II
A few more thoughts...
Even with a new hat, Arch's dad still looks like a douchebag.
I welled up during Cook's KC montage. I'm glad he was wearing a Royals hat.
Why is ALW there again? Does he have nothing better to do?
Although I've never cared for Fantasia, she definitely tore up the stage. I really want to know what Simon was thinking when they showed him all slack jawed during her song.
Looks like the producers got what they wanted. No surprise.Labels: idol
Thursday, May 15, 2008 link
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Top 3: Lame.
Seriously, I can't even muster up the will to critique that nonsense. Instead, I've compiled a list of random thoughts:
ARCH
...should not sing the word "boo". Ever. I actually had to rewind to be sure that's what he was saying.
...should try to remember his lyrics. I hear that's important when you're singing in front of people.
...should not wear those plaid pants. (Actually his fashion sense is one of the worst I've ever seen on this show...and that's counting Nikki McKibbin.)
SH!TNEY
...really should have just auditioned for AMNTM. (Let's think back to the first week when I started referring to her as Selisha.) She looks hot, especially after her extensions/makeover, and I'd really prefer her speaking the scripted lines of a Cover Girl commercial to any sort of improv.
...is just as good as Vonzell, K Locke and the horde of other passable number three finishers. The problem is that the people above her aren't much better. This season was in desperate need of a Carrie Underwood, but all we got was a Ruben Studdard.
...cemented her place in the road company of Chicago with that Fever performance. Yes, I liked it, and I will probably download the song. But come on, gurl, why did you have to bust out that chair? They're using the exact same ones in my current show.
COOK
...is maybe really short? I can't decide what is wrong with his skinny jeans, but they make him look stumpy. Even
...should have been allowed to sing his first song last.
...should not admit to anyone, let alone the American public, that he is a fan of Switchfoot. Seriously, that's one of the worse songs ever. I change the station whenever it comes on. Dude, you're not in Blue Springs anymore. Let's class it up, OK?
JACKSON
...sucks. If he says one more thing about a phone book I will visibly cringe.
PAULA AND SIMON
...were right on tonight. I like bustier-ed bat-Paula. And you can tell that Simon is so over this competition. I bet he misses Carly.
THE PRODUCERS
...are so transparent. Happy Feet? A FOX movie, perhaps? What a bad song. Why don't you just tell her she doesn't get to sing a third song, because you don't like the mojo she laid down with that chair?
ARCH SR.
...has got to get a new hat.Labels: idol
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 link
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Top 4: Hall of Shame
I decided to be late to work today and run through last night's TiVoed performances so I could join in the fun today. I don't know what we'll do after the finale. We may have to start watching So You Think You Can Dance or something. (Can you believe that tour jete? God - that dude must really be smoking crack if he thinks he's going to make it as a dancer.)
Daughtry (Hungry Like the Wolf: Duran Duran/Baba O'Riley: the Who) - Cookie was off his game tonight. The Duran was pretty much karaoke - really good karaoke, but nothing spectacular. As for the Who...the look on his face said it all. I don't know if he messed something up, but he wasn't happy when he was finished. I don't understand why the drummer busted in a fill at the end and made us think that it was time to rock out. Too much Dashboard Confessional at the beginning, not enough rock at the end. (All I could pay attention to was the fact that he was wearing the same red v-neck tshirt in his interviews that he wore in last week's performance. Come on dude - you're on TV. Try some alternate clothes. Although he redeemed himself with the sparkly blazer.)
Vonzell Solomon/Kimberly Locke (Proud Mary: Tina Turner/ A Change Is Gonna Come: Sam Cooke) - I agree with Jeremy that everyone is way too hard on poor Vonzell. I thought she sounded really good and gave two good performances - and she's major eye candy at this point (when did that happen?) - especially with the McPheever yellow dress. As for the race card...I don't think she had some kind of devious plan to set the world ablaze with her opinions on race relations. What is she - 21? 22? She probably really didn't know what the song was about until she hopped on the Wikipedia. And I totally believe that after hearing the song she got on the iTunes and listened to a whole bunch of Sam Cooke. It's not like she said "I've been a Sam Cooke fan, like, forever!" And after repeated listens of "Yesterday" from Beatles week, I would like to ask the people to stop hating on V/K II. She's not as bad as all y'all think. I would totally listen to her singing "Eighth World Wonder."
Nikki McKibbin/Camille Velasco/Scott Savol/Kevin Covais and everyone else who just didn't deserve to make it as far as they did... (I Shot the Sheriff: Bob Marley/Mr. Tambourine Man: Bob Dylan) - Come on dude. I know Archtastic's dad probably doesn't let you hang around very much, for fear that you'll convince his prodigy that weed is a good thing (and can be used to cure cancer - come on, David - you want to cure cancer, don't you?), but after tonight, I don't think he has anything to worry about. All the anti-pot organizations have to do is replay any part of your interviews or performances tonight to convince America's youth that meth is the way to go. I really hope the kids who think he's a heartthrob (?!) push him through because he's clearly going through withdrawl and needs to go home. Please, America. Redeem yourself for Carly's loss and send the right person home. Please.
Clay Aiken (Stand by Me: Ben E. King/Love Me Tender - Elvis Presley) - Fine. You're a good singer. The children (and Natasha Bedingfield) love you for no apparent reason. Clearly your stylist thought that by putting you in a t-shirt two sizes too big, you would look extra cute and cuddly. But I think you did too many runs in Stand By Me, and either I fast forwarded through or forgot your Elvis, which is probably best for all concerned, because then I just would have started cursing your name to the heavens just like I did for FallOut. If I don't like a contestant in the first place, singing an Elvis song is the fastest way to the head of my hate parade.
The Best: Sh!tney
The Worst: Put Your Weed In It (As the last girl standing, and the only R&B singer in the bunch, in think Sh!tney might have a chance to stick around for another week. At least, I hope so.)
Guiness & Biceps on Ellen (One Love: U2) - I'm sad I was at work (actually I may have been watching Sweeney Todd by that point) and missed this, because I didn't know they were outside. But I really enjoyed the first 2/3's of this performance. It kind of fell apart at the end when they started begging the audience to sing along, but then refused to actually sing the chorus and decided to engage in a battle of melisma (music vocab - The technique of changing the pitch of a single syllable of text while it is being sung - thank you, Wikipedia!) while the backup singers kept things going. Oh well. They're just not used to performing for five minutes - they'll figure it out. I would still buy their album.
Let's look at potential Final 2 outcomes:
1. Arch & Cook - Clearly what Randy wants. For this to happen, we need Castro to go tonight and Sh!tney to go next week a la Kim and Baby V.
2. Arch and Weed - You never know what those kids will do. I see this happening if there's a major Daughtry-esque upset tonight and Cook goes home. Let's not forget when everyone thought McPheever was going home #4 and then they sent home the rocker - and then he sells a bazillion records.
3. Arch and Sh!tney - Again, a Daughtry upset would be required to make this happen. Then Castro would have to be so stoned next Tuesday that he misses the show and gets disqualified. Or maybe it's time for someone to quit the show on the air and save someone. That would be nice and dramatic and give Sh!tney another reason to cry.
4. Cook and Sh!tney - This would be my first choice at this point. And it's not going to happen. But I can dream, right?Labels: idol
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 link
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Top Five: I Just Don't Care
It's the first Carly-free week, and I just couldn't inspire myself to watch after I got home last night. Because someone is totally going to sing I Am I Said. And America. And I do not want to hear them. Boo. Boo to all of you.
ROUND 1
That One Dude - I'm tired of your schtick, Jack Johnson. Go home, please.
Please Be the Winner - I don't like Neil Diamond songs, and this is no exception. At first I thought maybe Ryan Adams had covered it, but then I realized his song is called "So Alive." I wish that was the song I just heard.
Whatever - Oh God, this hurt my ears. Why are you singing so low? And you just said "woo!" again. More than once. Remember how that turned out last time? And where are your feet? I do not like you.
Jailbait - Carly was going to sing this song and it sounded like it was going to by much cooler than your version. Boo.
Extensions - Put on some damn shoes.
INTERMISSION
Randy - Archuletta, the bomb? Really? Someone needs to hit you. Stop being the producers' puppet.
Is Paula drunk? Actually, she probably needed to smoke something to get ready for I Am, I Said. So I'll give her a pass.
Simon rules tonight. To boil all of those performances down to a few words (amateurish was my favorite) was dead on.
ROUND 2
Mr. T - Paula was totally seeing the future. All I could focus on was the cross necklace, the rings, and the inexplicable piece of twine around your wrist. And is that a copper bracelet? Is he suddenly an arthritic golfer?
Cook Jenni some pancakes and then send the rest over to my place, because I'm starving - I realize that he is wearing just as many accessories as that other dude, but because of that drum fill when the band came in, I'll let it slide. I'm a sucker for drum fills.
Thank You For Proving Me Right - Why write lyrics on your palm? I know you're new at this piano thing, but you can't actually see your palms while you're playing. As I can't be bothered to critique this mess, lets open it up for someone to explain this song to me. Why would a chair hear what Neil had to say? Was the chair also high? Neil is right behind James Taylor at the head of my hate parade.
Reading Rainbow - UGH. Did anyone else hear his voice crack on one of the high notes? It's nice that he can start puberty right before our very eyes. Does the original version of this song end with "Let Freedom Ring"? If it doesn't, all I can say is way to take a page from the Kristy Lee songbook. Why not just wave a big flag? Oh wait, the producers did that for you. Thanks for calling him out, Simon.
BAREFOOT AGAIN - Put on some shoes! This isn't a sandbox!
Here's my ranking
1. Carly, in my imagination.
2. Cook.
3. everyone else.Labels: idol
Wednesday, April 30, 2008 link
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Top Six: Don't Cry For Me, Kristy Lee
This season has been kind to me, because so far all of the mentors have provided some of my favorite songs. (That all ends with Neil Diamond, but it was good while it lasted.) I'm currently listening to some ALW songs that enjoy a lot more than the songs chosen tonight. I'm slightly disappointed that there was nothing truly comical about tonight. I wish Twisty was still around. Sigh.
Sh!itney Houston - One Rock 'n' Roll Too Many from Starlight Express: Thank you, Sh!tney, for choosing something that wasn't in Cats, Evita or Phantom. People give Starlight Express a bad rap. I know, I know. They're on roller skates. But there are some good songs in there mixed in with the derby madness. Sh!tney did a good job, but then again, she was really in her element. One thing I am tired of: the barefoot singing. I appreciate that you're not standing on the piano in heels, but you'd look much hotter if you had shoes on.
Grizabella - Memory from Cats: Wow. This was so not good, I don't know that I can even muster the energy to make fun of it. If Betty Buckley were in the audience, I think she would have jumped up on the stage and scratched out his eyes. Then she would have jumped on that weird platform thing that Carly was standing on and descended into the heavens just like Groovy should have. At the very least, it would have gotten him off stage sooner, because it could not end soon enough for me.
Barefoot Potbelly - You Must Love Me from Evita: I'm glad Paula called her out for starting over. And she totally lied when she said it was the first time she'd ever done it. Let's look back at the top ten performance when she started over. You think we forgot, Potbelly, but you are wrong. It's a good thing you followed Grizabella, otherwise you'd be at the bottom of my list.
Archtastic - Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera: I don't want to admit that I enjoyed his modern take on an opera-type song. I don't want to admit that I was so worried he would sing Memory (thanks for taking that away Griz...) that I almost cheered when I saw he was doing something else. But after the stuff that's come before, I can't say anything bad about this. Boo.
Guinness: Extra Stout - Superstar from JCS: I think Guinness just makes poor song choices. Why would she even attempt to trot out All I Ask of You? Could she not hear that it was not made for her accent? Could she not tell it was going to be bad bad news? Thank god ALW stepped in. I think this is the first time she's had fun since Beatles Week One. I still love her, and I forgive her for the last two weeks. (Yes, I enjoyed the live performance of Without You, but I do not care for the full download.)
Daughtry II: The Reckoning - Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera: Yeah, he sang it well. But it was boring. I was really looking forward to the DC take on a show tune. And I thought we'd get it, you know since he had a crazy scarf in his pocket. That says "rock song" to me. Where was "What's the Buzz?" like I was hoping for? The money note was a nice surprise, but that was it. Hopefully he'll be back in form next week.
Top Two: Sh!tney and Guinness
Middle Two: Davids
Bottom Two: Potbelly and Grizabella
Going Home: Potbelly
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And while I'm not on the subject, here are some other songs I wish they had sung instead of that Cats and Phantom nonsense.
Anything from Song & Dance, but especially Unexpected Song or Tell Me On a Sunday
The Heart is Slow to Learn (come on Arch, this song was made for you)
Love Changes Everything (from Aspects of Love)
Vaults of Heaven (from Whistle Down the Wind)
I Don't Know How to Love Him (from JCS - I really wanted Twisty to sing this, just for comic effect)
Close Every Door (from Joseph - Cook would have been great at this, and totally could have rocked it up)
With One Look or As If We Never Said Goodbye (from Sunset Boulevard)Labels: idol
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 link
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Top Seven: One Sweet Day
OK, confession time. I love Mariah Carey. I own four of her CDs, which does not include the additional songs I have downloaded. That said, I consider myself, again, the expert on tonight's theme. And now, on to the judgment.
1. Archtastic: When You Believe - The number one spot. Do we think the producers are tired of his march toward the finals, and are hoping that by sticking him at the beginning (and singing a not great song to boot) will help to lessen the votes? Unless the webkins had a really busy night, I'm thinking he's safe. The thing about this song is that it was totally chosen as a duet to be performed with Whitney. Unless Sh!tney was going to show up halfway through and totally usurp this performance, it wasn't really true to life. Nor was it a great performance. But I'm starting to feel bad for using the H word when describing Archtastic, because he's only 17 and is probably sensitive to other people's opinions. I'm just going to leave it at that.
2. Guinness Extra Stout: Without You - OK, some background with this song. I used to go to Pizza Hut almost every day after high school with my friends Bree and M'Alicia (actually her name was Maria-Alicia, but we were trying to be street, so we decided that the apostrophe was more appropriate than the hyphen). The jukebox featured this song, which will probably always be in my top 5 Mariah songs (yes, I have at least 5 Mariah songs that I love. Shut up.). At least one dollar would go toward playing this song 5 times or more. M'Alicia actually played the song so often at home that her mother was concerned that she was going to do something drastic and the song was actually a cry for help. (If anything was a cry for help, it was the way that M'Alicia refused to share her breadsticks with the rest of the table, but that's another story entirely.) After a full day of listening to Carly songs downloaded from the iTunes, I am firmly in Camp Guinness. I don't think she will win, but I really enjoyed this performance, and want her to stick around. However, I was busy drinking wine and was not available vote tonight. I feel that she would approve of my decision.
3. Sh!tney Houston: Vanishing - Don't try to challenge me, Sh!tney. I know this song. It's old school, but I'm not stupid. Your performance was fine. You've clearly been waiting for this night for the entire season (maybe your entire life). But I was really hoping you'd bust out with "Someday." (Since you felt the need to give us the dog whistle note last week, why show restraint now?) I'm tired of your nonsense, and wish you would stop. Just stop it. Archtastic filled the crazy run quote for the evening, and you are just overkill. You've met your idol. Now go home and let someone else sing Unexpected Song during ALW week.
4. Twisty Tree: Forever - Oh Twisty Tree. I'm really starting to like you. True, I fast forwarded through most of your performance, because I was bored and realized that Work Out had started on Bravo, but the parts that I listened to sounded fine. I'm enjoying your Jasmine Trias-like rise to the top three, if only for the entertainment value. I look forward to your antics every Wednesday night. On an unrelated note, I downloaded "Please Don't Stop the Music" from last week's "Idol Gives Back," and Twisty really turns on the Rhianna. Good times.
5. Daughtry II - Electric Boogaloo: Always Be My Baby - Awesome. I'm sure we'll hear from some band in San Luis Obispo in just a few hours, because you've clearly stolen their arrangement, and it was guaranteed to be a hit for them since they covered it at Joe's Crab Shack six years ago. Scandal nonwithstanding, I'm a little mad that you didn't sing "Bringin' On the Heartache" like I wanted you to, but your performance tonight ruled. I will definitely purchase it from the iTunes. There's a whole penny to put in your pocket when this is all over and Archtastic takes you down in the finals. Go Royals - only a 1/2 game back!
6. Feelin' Groovy: I Don't Want to Cry - Really? The money spot at the end of the show? Ok, whatever. Some chick sang this song in my middle school talent show. I, however, sang "Rainbow Connection" with a spot-on Kermit impersonation. While I will challenge you to say that I wasn't better than her eighth grade delusions that she could sing like Mariah, I will not allow anyone to say that this wasn't a good performance. Groovy and I have come to an agreement over the last few days. As long as he doesn't pretend to be anything more than a poor man's Jack Johnson, I will purchase his songs. Yes, they may all be the same song, but Jack has built a whole career on singing one good-time acoustic melody about being green or something. (And if you think about it - it's not easy being green. That's wisdom.)
Oh look. I forgot something.
7. Barefoot Potbelly: Hero - OK. Fine. But you should know that in the same way that I completely forgot your performance, I just realized that I can skip "Hero" and move right to "Now That I Know" on the "Music Box" cd and I won't have to listen to the sentimental tripe which could only have been inspired by James Taylor. I may have enjoyed my download of "Jolene" but that's just because I don't actually have to watch you performing it. You know what? I can sing and play the piano too. And I probably play it better than you. Just quit it.
Before I get to my final rankings, I do have to express some anger that no one chose a song from the Butterfly album. It's by far my favorite, and will be the CD I listen to as I go to sleep tonight. Come on. One of you should have been able to bust out "My All", or, in a pinch, "Whenever You Call." (Sh!tney, you've disappointed me with your debut CD choice.) And come on, Archtastic - "Anytime You Need a Friend" was just begging for your oversinging. The kids would have loved it! They all want to be your friend, as long as it doesn't conflict with their webkins schedules. Oh, while we're at it, can you ask your dad to stop wearing that hat? Really. Just make it stop.
I could go on all night, but I really should sleep at some point. Or else I should focus on dancing around the room to "Fantasy." That's a good song.
Top Three: D2, Groovy, Guinness
Bottom Three: Potbelly, Twisty, Archtastic
Should Go: Potbelly
Will (Probably) Go: Guinness - I don't think they'll send Sh!tney home when this week was so in her wheelhouse, even though it was just OK. And the people seem to have a soft spot for Twisty, and I can't say I disagree. Don't worry Guinness. I will download your performance, and perhaps your debut album (as Carly Hennessy, pre-tattoo) if I can find it. And if you can prove me wrong and stick around for another few weeks, I will cheer. Out loud. A lot.Labels: idol
Wednesday, April 16, 2008 link
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Top Eight: Give Me Back My Wasted Hour
Is it me, or did tonight just suck? I was not inspired at all. Nor am I inspired to call in tomorrow night, because you know if I get any of them on the phone it's going to be Potbelly or Archtastic, and they'd have to pay me to talk to them without hanging up. 6:30 - 9 tomorrow? Really? This is going to turn into a 24 hour Jerry Lewis telethon if we're not careful. And now, let the judgment begin.
G'Day Biceps - Dream On: Even with his new predilection toward ascots, I enjoyed this performance. Right up until the very end when he felt the need to bust out the chorus an octave higher. I don't care if Steven Tyler does it. It was not good news.
Sh!tney - I Believe: Why isn't there some kind of rule that disqualifies anyone that tries to sing a song by a former contestant? I think this may get her eliminated. Just like when Lisa Tucker tried Kelly's "Because of You" and LaKisha attempted Carrie's "Jesus Take the Wheel" and, oh wait, Fantasia's "I Believe". A song like this is only good when sung by someone named Fantasia. And even that's questionable. I like the quality of Sh!tney's voice, but I think she makes some really poor choices.
Feelin' Groovy - Somewhere Over the Rainbow: Awesome. I know that I don't really like him all that much, but this ruled. I have to admit that I even welled up a bit, but I'm pretty sure that's just because the song is always played at the end of a sitcom when things are sad, but they want you to feel hopeful.
Twisty Tree - Anyway: No one can say this chick doesn't know what she's doing. She gave a really good performance. I don't think it was enough to keep her out of the bottom three, but it might be enough to keep her around until Neil Diamond week. And then she can sing "Comin' to America" and rally all the patriots once again. God, I really want her to stick around for Andrew Lloyd Weber. He will have no idea what to do with her when she busts out "I Don't Know How to Love Him."
Daughtry II: The Reckoning - Innocent: Boo. You've been awesome for weeks now. And then you bust out Our Lady Peace? According to the Wikipedia, Our Lady Peace (or OLP as some people apparently call them) are Canadian. And they tune their guitars down a half step. Why? Why can't they just play them correctly? This just proves that Canadians can't be trusted. But I digress. I was so bored by this performance, that I went into the kitchen to look for some cake. You hear that David? I prefer cake to your performance. Thanks for the calories.
Guinness: Extra Stout - The Show Must Go On: Guinness, you know I love you. And you know your husband scares the bejeezus out of me, so I'm nervous to criticize. But Randy was right. You started out OK (even though I was not wild about Queen night two years ago when Paris massacred this song) but by the end it was just bad. Bad bad bad. And are you really inspired by this song? It's angry. I know that the Irish are still mad about that whole potato thing, but couldn't you have brought out some Sinead O'Connor or something? Then we could all fight the real power, and tear up someone's picture. Now that's inspirational. If she gets eliminated for this, I will be mad. Mad at Guinness for a poor song choice.
Archtastic - Angels: This was far more Jessica Simpson than Robbie Williams. I love Robbie Williams. And this was not it. I hate that the children love him. I hate that they have no idea who Robbie Williams is. In protest, I'm now going to listen to some real Robbie and stop writing about this crap.
...........................
OK, I'm back. The only other thing I would like to point out is the creepy chick who held up the "Lick Those Lips" poster. Um. The kid is 17. That's just gross.
Potbelly - You've Got a Friend: I have a feeling that I'm going to make some people mad here...but I hate James Taylor. So as soon as she said his name, I began to hate her too. Luckily, I've never heard his version of this song (or else I have blocked it out), and Carole King is, in general, a good songwriter, so I gave it a chance. It was fine. It was what I expected from Potbelly at this point. And I expected her to be teary at the end. But is a song really that inspirational if it only makes me think of the theme song to Gilmore Girls?
My Top Three: Feelin' Groovy, Biceps (if you forget the last 20 seconds) and no one else.
My Bottom Three: Archtastic, Potbelly and Guinness (damn you Guinness!)
Actual Bottom Three: Sh!tney, Twisty and Guinness
Should go: Archtastic - I really really don't care for this kid.
Will go: Sh!tneyLabels: idol
Wednesday, April 09, 2008 link
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Top Nine: Hard Candy Christmas
I'm assuming that I'll be the reigning Dolly Parton fan of the group...considering that I have her autograph on the Great Pretender LP - that's right - an LP. I was hoping for Jolene, Here You Come Again, Straight Talk (or any song from that movie), 9 to 5, and my longshot...Hard Candy Christmas. I'm assuming that they'll do 9 to 5 as their craptastic group number tonight (based on the harmonizing with Dolly), which will forever ruin that song for me...but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, and Dolly will sing it herself.
And now for the judgment.
Barefoot Potbelly: Jolene - I really do love this song...she didn't do anything particularly exciting (and why did she smile do broadly halfway through? It's not a smiley song...), but it was aight, dawg. My main question is why that backup singer ALWAYS seems to wear some sort of t-shirt/corset combo? ALWAYS. Oh, and why does Brooke always argue with (suck up to - Love Paula's hair? Really?) the judges? She seems genuinely surprised whenever someone doesn't love her. I can't tell if she's just clueless, or if she thinks she's awesome.
Daughtry II: The Reckoning: Little Sparrow - Awesome haircut. And nice response to all the stealing songs hype. I'm glad he didn't apologize for anything, since he didn't do anything wrong. Hopefully Doxology (I'm so sure - Doxology) will stop getting mad that he "stole" their version of Eleanor Rigby. Can we please move on from this crap now?
He has this in the bag in the same way that Daughtry I had it. Either fans will get it right this time, or he'll be out at number four at the expense of Potbelly and Archtastic. And then go on to sell millions of records.
Mulan: Do I Ever Cross Your Mind - So I went to see The Drowsy Chaperone last night. As we got to our seats, I was sending a text message to one of my assistants who was upset about something. You know how text messages are...it's not like they're loud. But the dude behind me felt the need to tap on my shoulder. I said "I'll be done in just a second." And he responded with, "Oh OK. Everybody, he'll be done in a second. We should see if they can delay the start of the show because he's texting." And as I could not be bothered to create an actual scene right before a show started (that's right...the show hadn't even started yet) I just said "I'm not hurting you, and I'm not making any noise, so there's no need to be a jerk." And then I put my phone away and the show starts. But when the main character gets out an LP (so old school tonight!) and brushes it, someone in his group leans over and asks him "Do you still brush your records?" And he responds. And his group continued to talk FOR THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE. Luckily, it was a really cute and funny show, and it made me ignore them, and forget about what an ASS he was. And I was in such a good mood afterwards, that I didn't even feel like telling him off. But as we were leaving we turned around and looked, expecting to find some pretentious dude with a fauxhawk and a wallet chain and perhaps an indie rock t-shirt under his hoodie and blazer. But it was some old dude and his old friends with tassels on their loafers. Lame. Wait. What? Oh, sorry Mulan...no, you do not ever cross my mind. I fast forwarded through the mess that was your song. Please go away. Now.
Feelin' Groovy: Travelin' Thru - Typical. Not exciting. But better than Mulan.
Guinness: Extra Stout: Here You Come Again - Love this song. And I really enjoyed the slowed down version (Dolly's is kind of strangely perky). But again, with the smiling in the midst of a sad song? I know we all said you took things too seriously last week, but don't shout out "And I smiled!" in the middle of the judges critique. You just lost some points in my book.
Archtastic: Smokey Mountain Memories - Yawn. Perhaps you don't remember what happens anytime someone brings Jesus into the mix. They get voted out. Although I think Brianna and her cronies will keep that from happening this week (and I don't want him to go before certain other tiny people) it doesn't bode well. Not well at all.
Twisty Tree: Coat of Many Colors - Country week should put her through to the next round (I can't wait till Andrew Lloyd Webber week...although I have to say I was really hoping for an Amanda Overmeyer performance of "I Don't Know How to Love Him"). This song used her six note range nicely. Nono...her performance wasn't great, but it was what it was. Now she's playing the Haley card, because she looked hot last night. Except with the barefoot. I am not going to get behind this movement. It was stupid when AJ Tabaldo tried it last year, and it's even dumber now. At least Potbelly has the pedal excuse to contend with.
Sh!tney Houston: I Will Always Love You - Why? Why?! I have been defending you week after week, because you actually have a decent voice (and because I fast forward through your interviews). And then you pull the biggest cliche of all. Props for not trying everything the real Whitney does, but still. Give me something. Anything. Anything I can use to not let everyone hate you. I don't know what this could be, because I hate you a little bit now. And barefoot. On the piano. There is nothing good about any of that. You look like a five year old. And to look younger and smaller than certain Disney songstresses is not going to be good news for you this week. Yes, I will miss you when Mulan busts out a watered down version of "Music of the Night", but I will only feel a little bad. You let me down, Sh!tney.
Biceps From Down Under: It's All Wrong, But It's All Right - The title sums it up nicely. Well done. The only thing that bothered me was remembering that once Dolly sang the word "sexy". Multiple times in one song. Creepy.
On top: Daughtry II: The Reckoning
Bottom Three: Sh!tney, Groovy and perhaps in a twist of fate, Potbelly
Should go: Mulan
Will go: Sh!tney
New J Rankings:
1. Daughtry II: The Reckoning
(He wasn't amazing last night. But that's okay. Nobody was really that much better than him. Maintains huge lead over the two spot. Nice of Ryan to give him a chance to clarify that he's not taking credit for all the arrangements. )
2. Guinness: Extra Stout
(Totally agreed with Simon re: terrible clothing. But man. That was harsh. I don't think she's been on top of her game lately, but I don't think she deserves to be bumped down yet).
3. Awesome Aussie
(Huge jump in the rankings here. Sorry, he was the best last night. And he's finally getting some confidence. And he totally looks like the offspring of Jim Morrison and Guy Pierce)
4. Brooke (Very) White
(The schtick is getting boring. And Jolene is an awesome song. And it was average. And that made me sad.)
5. D-Arch
(Really good last night. But, again, the schtick is getting boring)
6. Of Course
(I think Jocelyn shot me a text last night that said, "Of course" when she started singing I Will Always Love You. I say "I think" because I don't have jocelyn's number in my new phone. So I've been texting with this person every night Idol has been on for the last few weeks. And I hope it's Jocelyn. Anyway, I think she deserves the nickname, "Of Course.")
7. Feelin' Groovy
(It's all been said.)
8. Krappy Lee Suck
(Liked her dress. She totally proved that she's terrible by being sub-par in her genre.)
9. The Scared One
(I'm uncomfortable watching her perform. I think she'd do better if maybe Ryan was giving her a comforting hug during her songs.)
Booted: The Scared One.
E's Thoughts
I'm the farthest thing from a country fan but I have to admit that hearing some of these songs made me want to go listen to some Dolly Parton. I've never really hated her or anything- just haven't had much of a reason to be exposed to her music. Anywho.
Barefoot Potbelly: Jolene - she just didn't seem very comfortable with this song. Probably because in her world of rainbows and G-rated movies, a subject like a mistress stealing your husband is a pretty foreign concept. She probably shouldn't have smiled. I'm beginning to see a lack of originality over the last few weeks, and she is losing confidence- as evidenced by getting defensive with the judges. I think this could be a bottom 3 week. Also- why did Simon have to comment on the backup musicians? Seriously. Too much.
Daughtry II: The Reckoning - I appreciate the haircut. Song was good and I feel bad for him that he had to save face with a BS cover band called Doxology by telling everyone that he didn't do the arrangements for all of the songs he's done. It was nice of him to do that- but basically that lame band should f off and get a life.
Pokemon: Do I Ever Cross Your Mind - yes. When I have to deal with obnoxious people like the Peoples Gas customer service reps, you cross my mind. I daydream about forcing them to listen to your version of this song because it is the torture that they deserve.
Feelin' Groovy: Travelin' Thru - more stoner rock. You got any weed? It'd be a lot cooler if you did.
Guinness: Extra Stout: Here You Come Again - liked it. I'm beginning to feel like the judges gang up on her and are more critical of her than anyone else- which seemed fair at first, but now I'm beginning to feel a little sorry for her. Also- I thought Simon was mean commenting on her outfit.
Golden Arches: Smokey Mountain Memories - I'm jumping off the bandwagon. Sorry! Every week I'm getting more and more bored with his performances. Yes, good voice- maybe one of the best ones. But- his age is starting to work against him. He just doesn't have the music knowledge and experience to be able to compete with Carly, David, and Michael. But- he does have the Brianna fan base so I unfortunately think he will stay around longer than he probably should.
Twisty Tree: Coat of Many Colors - if you can't be one of the top 3 on country night when that is the only genre you actually succeed in, you deserve to leave. But- she'll make it another week. Andrew Lloyd Webber will totally be her downfall- I can just hear "Mr. Mistoffoles" being butchered as we speak.
Sh!tney Houston: I Will Always Love You - I guess unless Whitney Houston tells you herself that you are NOT Whitney Houston, you aren't going to listen to anyone, are you? Well, you made a big mistake doing the song everyone thought you would. It wasn't terrible or anything- just forgettable. Neil Diamond week is going to f you up honey- just wait.
Thunda From Down Unda: It's All Wrong, But It's All Right - I thought this was not only the best performance of the night, but one of the best ones of the season so far. I don't know what the original sounds like, but I loved the arrangement and I think it completely showcased a side of his voice that he really hadn't shown before. There were no Chris Martin sky reaches. He totally just got into the song and every note was on point. I will buy this on ITunes.
On top: Daughtry II: The Reckoning, Thunda from Down Unda, Guinness
Bottom Three: Pokemon, Potbelly, Sh!tney
Should go: Pokemon- if there is a GodLabels: idol
Wednesday, April 02, 2008 link
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Top 10: Birth Year Disaster.
Mulan/Rheumatoid: OK Mulan. Alone? Really? Spina and I tivo'ed Carrie Underwood singing this song way back when, and kept it until we moved out a year and a half later. It was amazing. For those not into historical Idol, here's the clip. That's how this song should be sung.
Rheumatoid is Swahili for karaoke.
Pokemon - bad song choice (especially after watching Carrie Underwear - Jenni was talking about that performance last night). I know she’s sick-wah-wah-but even on the best day, that was not something she should have tackled.
Feelin' Groovy: Eh. I didn't hate it as much as I hated the last two weeks. But I'm over his interviews. Actually, I'm just over him.
Jason Castro doing Fragile? I hate my life. I don't need to him sing any more songs with meaning. Please stick to Jimmy Buffet.
Blech. Is Amanda secretly back with a dreadlock wig? Because I couldn't understand a single word of that song. You have a hard enough time with English, dude-why are you trying to do the foreign languages AGAIN? I also liked the fact that Simon said that he looked like he didn't really care and that he was lazy-and he pretty much agreed. Puff-puff-pass.
ANTM/Sh*tney Houston: Again, as the resident Idol anthropologist, I can tell you that Tamyra Gray sang this way back in season one. I think I liked that arrangement better. But I feel pretty confident that Tyra will be holding a picture of Saleisha in her hands tomorrow night, and she'll make it through.
If I was Your Woman, in Houston. I'm asleep.
Still irritating. Everything she says has to be SO over-the-top dramatic- "I was born...on the twenty-second day of the month of November in the year of nineteen hundred and eighty-five." There's pretty much nothing she can do to get in my good graces-sorry!
Treneyce: Boring. I had to fast forward. Actually, I came back in toward the end to see if he picked up the tempo (and made it country) as usual, but sadly, it was still slow and boring. Oh well.
I like his voice. And it's not country.
I would like to put in a request to formally change the nickname to Cha-cheezy because after that one decent Beatles song, he's back to the lounge singer at the Holiday Inn status.
NOTE: After all of these posts, Jenni came up with the perfect name: Jacuzzi. We immediately voted to put it in rotation.
Barefoot Potbelly: I think I had the hardest time focusing on this song, because her straightened hair was fantastic. That's distracting. That's probably why she had to start the song over. Not cool.
Brooke (very) White: [sigh] She's dreamy. But... 1983????? She has old lady hands. How can she be just 24-25? I was microwaving my spaghetti when she started off bad. What happened? She went back and started over? I didn't see it. Meh. She did the thing that she's good at, and it's enough to make a decent living. I don't think she can win this, but maybe she can do open mic nights after her shift at Potbellys.
The takesies-over at the beginning just shows how uncomfortable she seems to be in a pop star role. I didn't mind the song and the way it was performed-I just think she seems nervous and doesn't really enjoy the spotlight. I'm not sure she will be able to overcome that.
Biceps/Thunda Down Under Arms: I knew I liked this chap for some reason other than his rugged good looks. He was bad@$$. The vest was moronic though. He should have stuck with the just the t-shirt.
Yes, the vest was bad news. And I think two songs in one is cheating.
You know I'm a fan, so I enjoyed his first above-average performance. The "We Are The Champions" was better than "We Will Rock You". He finally seems to have some confidence so hopefully he can build on the momentum and do something good again next week.
Guinness: Extra Stout: I still love her, but there are now equal parts love and fear of her hardcore inked husband. He scares the crap out of me. This version was way better than Jessica Sierra's in season four (seriously, I need to get a life), but I didn't care for the ending. Don't tell her husband I said that, because he'll kick my @ss. The problem with Guinness is that she's an awesome singer, but she keeps choosing songs that is going to make her get voted out at number 6 or seven. (I'm counting on her fans to vote extra for the next couple of weeks to keep her out of the bottom three again.)
I decided to celebrate her performance by pouring myself some Jameson Irish Whiskey. What's with her arms? She kinda has a problem with her arms. It's like her elbows are stuck to her waist. Singin's just fine, but her arms are weird. And her feet are stuck to the floor. Why can't she move? Is she a victim of a Twilight Zone episode?
Liked it, but agree it was awkward for some reason. She does need to start working the stage (but please don't put your arm out in the mosh pit)
Archtastic: Oh good lord. That was bad. I'm angry at Brianna for voting continuously for him, because he's going to be around for a long time. And I do not want to see him anymore. I'm just done. Done, I say.
Where do I know this song from? This kid's gonna be great on High School Musical 4. Oh crap! Simon knows about the irritating, overbearing dad: "I'd be surprised to learn that you picked that song because it wasn't you." He totally knows Arch's dad is all up in his face. Okay. Something's very uncomfortable now that Simon said that. Ryan's acting weird. Like he thinks Arch is going to cry. Like he's seen Arch's Dad smack him. This song sucked, BTW. And Paula was a little racist re: hating on Australian singer/songwriters.
Joe Simpson strikes again! WTF kind of song choice was that?? According to Wikipedia-that song was first released in 1986, so I don't even know why he was allowed to pick it in the first place. If you are going to let your dad pick out your songs, at least let him be a dad that knows something about music. This is the same dude that didn't expose his children to the Beatles so clearly he is evil.
Twisty Tree/Krappy Lee Suck/Curly Pickler: I have a confession to make. I heard this song live. Sung by Lee Greenwood. In concert. That's right, I was actually at a Lee Greenwood concert at the outdoor pavilion at Worlds of Fun. Smart of Twisty Tree to bust out the patriotic song choice. That'll get her another week for sure. Those country folk will vote for anything (see: Original Pickler).
God Bless The USA? I haven't heard this since Farm Aid. I'll give her points for not wearing red, white and blue. Difficulty level: low. I sound good singing this song. Her best performance ever. And it's average. Lil' pitchy dog. "Most clever song choice I've heard in years." --- Simon. In any event. She just kicked off Rheumatoid.
I guess you could not vote for her if you hate America.
Daughtry II: The Reckoning: This is the first time I actually loved what he did. But then again, I also love Mandy Moore's power ballad version of Umbrella, so maybe I'm not the right person to judge. Hometown gets a vote from me tonight.
Please say you don't give a sh!t what your sign is. I'd give you many points. Meh. He sorta answered the question. So his version kinda socks. I think this is like Christi pooping on the Beatles. I don't want to hear Nickleback sing Billie Jean. He's singin' it good. But I hate it. Because I'm comparing it to that Billie Jean song that is awesome and isn't whiney-rocker. Good singin, crappy arrangement. This is like me rewriting the Bible so that Jesus was a skater because I like skating and smoke Newports.
Wasn't really a fan of the arrangement, but his voice sounded awesome. One of the dudes on my gossip site pointed out that every song he has done has been someone else's cover of whatever song he's doing, so he shouldn't be getting credit when he is basically just covering a cover. I listened to the Chris Cornell version and it did sound a little different (since he brought in the band and Daughtry-ed it up). His confidence is pretty high-I'd like one week of a non-rock song though.
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J's rankings:
Daughtry II: The Reckoning
Brooke (very) White
Guinness: Extra Stout
Thund Down Underarms
Archtastic
Sh*tney Houston
Treynece
Krappy Lee Suck
Rheumatoid
I think Krappy did enough to secure some votes. She's going to be safe, with a long-awaited exit by Rheumatoid.
Micky's Power List (deserved ranking in parenthesis - mostly because I think Archtastic should go soon, but I know he won't. Damn kids.)
1. Daughtry II: The Reckoning (1)
2. Archtastic (7)
3. Barefoot Potbelly (3)
4. Feelin' Groovy (6)
5. Biceps (4)
6. Guinness: Extra Stout (2)
7. ANTM (5)
8. Treneyce (8)
9. Twisty Tree Cook (10)
10. Mulan (9)
E's picks
Top 3- Daughtry II, Thunda Down Unda, Potbelly White
Bottom 3- Feelin Groovy, Pokemon, Cha-cheezy
Out- PokemonLabels: idol
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 link
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Top 11: I Still Know What You Did on Beatles Night
All righty...Let's get right to it.
Rocker Nurse - Back in the USSR: I like her newly flat-ironed hair, but Simon is right. It's the same thing every week. Even Extreme had their More Than Words. I wonder if she can find hers.
Curly Pickler - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away: This was tons better than last week. Tons. But that doesn't mean that it was good. It just means that when you're so god-awful it only takes mediocre to be a major improvement. I wish that she would go home, but I think the country fans are goign to push her into the top ten. Especially with the real Pickler on the show tomorrow night.
Archtastic - The Long and Winding Road: I just don't care. I really don't. Last year, I was totally on the Mindy Doo bandwagon, and it took a few weeks for me to jump ship and join Team Jordin. But this time, I just can't get behind the "frontrunner." I think he's boring. And I do not want to watch him. And the stylist needs to stop putting him in blazers, because they make him look like Tiny Tim.
Biceps from Down Under - A Day in the Life: This song was weird. Is that how the Beatles did it? It probably is is, because they're weird too. Actually, this whole night was weird. Since they only had a total of 25 Beatles songs to choose from for the past two weeks, they got all the good ones last time, and we were left with some lame rejects this week. I don't think Biceps knows what kind of song he's supposed to be singing. But I'm pretty sure it's not this kind.
Acoustic Potbelly - Here Comes the Sun: Floppy. But at least she's self aware.
Daughtry II: The Reckoning - Daytripper: What's that little whistle thing he played? I want one. It looks cool. The only thing I can really be on board with during this evening of crappy songs from a band I didn't care for in the first place is that the hairstylist made a number of positive improvements...including D2's bad streaks. I realized halfway through his song that he doesn't so much sound like the original Daughtry, but he has a very similar sound (although lower) to the lead singer of Live. Which just made me want to bust out Lightning Crashes and All Over You. I wish there could be a Live night or even a 90's rock night. But instead they'll probably give us a third week of Beatles. You know, because of "popular demand".
Guinness - Blackbird: I don't like this song. Every time it comes on the soundsystem at the hotel, I want to run back to my desk and hide. And as soon as I saw that she was going to sing it, I was ready to bail. But I can't resist an alto voice, and she totally sold me. This is why I'm so firmly planted in Camp Guinness, and why I will be so angry when she McPheevers her way into second place, behind Archtastic. (Then, after he sells about three records, they can put him next to Taylor on the opening. Oh right. You barely see Taylor, because they focus so much on Kelly, Carrie and Jordin. For good reason. That dude sucks.)
Feelin' Groovy - Michelle: I'm tired of his half-stoned smile. I had to fast forward through most of this song, because I knew nothing would change after the first phrase. I'm actually too bored to write anything else about him.
ANTM - Yesterday: Although I was praying that she would rock out the En Vogue version (or maybe the En Vogue joke version, where they stop Dawn for singing off key, and she tells everyone about her boyfriend Kevin Swahili, who is seeking Shanika Ronette, Ronika, and everybody else. Then she could bust into a rousing chorus of Give It Up, Turn It Loose. Actually, that's what I feel like doing. Hold on.)
...........................................
OK. God, this song makes me fly. What was I talking about? Right. Top Model. I think her makeover was nice, but she wasn't very fierce. And Mr. Jay was right to criticize her for that dress. Wait. Sorry, sometimes I get confused. This song was fine, even if it is not what I wanted it to be. However, I do not care for the fact that the mosh pit feels the need to scream whenever someone hits a high note. Stop interrupting the ballads, you stupid teenagers.
Treneyce - I've Just Seen a Face: Clearly he was jealous that everyone else can play an instrument, and probably even more jealous that David Cook also got to play that whistle thing. Well, he'll show them. He's going to learn approximately six notes on the harmonica, and use that to distract from the hideousness of this arrangement. It could only have been worse if All 4 One covered it. And what's with all the country? Does he realize that there will probably be a whole night devoted to country? Don't burn us out on the steel guitar just yet dude.
Ramekin - Batting cleanup? Really? Don't the producers remember that she's lame? Why are all of these songs so bad? It's really killing me. I almost long for British Invasion night. Anything would be better than this. I would like for Ramekin to go home tomorrow.
My Top Three: Guinness, ANTM...um, that's all. I didn't like anyone else.
My Bottom Three: Ramekin, Curly, Groovy/Archtastic tie
Prediction: The actual bottom three will be Ramekin, Curly, and either Biceps or Treneyce. Because Groovy and Archtastic will be sticking around for a long time. I say Ramekin goes home.Labels: idol
Wednesday, March 19, 2008 link
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Top 12 - Beatles Night
OK, first off...I like the new opening and the new set. And I enjoy how Ryan shouted out to the designers. But did they have to have that stupid audience pit in the front, allowing all the teenage girls to wave their arms in the air during every single freaking ballad? Thumbs down.
But I digress.
1. ANTM: Got To Get You Into My Life - Seriously, do you think you're Whitney? It's 12:30 am. I'm sleepy. Don't make me go looking for a 1986 photo of Whitney with that one sided hairdo, and a sparkly off the shoulder sweater over a black tank so we can compare. Come on, woman. So much did I dislike your song, I spent the entire time wondering if you would ever pull your sweater up over your shoulder. Nope.
Ohhhh I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the heat with some bod-ay. With. Some. Body. Who'll kill me.
Every week, she gets more generic. Her confidence has taken quite a hit I think. She's like the girl that was really popular in high school and then goes to college and realizes that no one knows who the heck she is or cares that she was lead cheerleader and homecoming queen. She did an ok job but I still think she's annoying.
2. Treneyce: She's A Woman - He had me with the tambourine. I don't think the first part really gelled with the second part, but from someone who was really lame and on my list to go home for the past few weeks, that was a really nice surprise. But please lose the wristband/swatch combo. Why does everything think it's the 80's again? Do they not remember how stupid tightrolled jeans look?
I only saw the recap of his. He sorta looked like he was making fun of Sammy Davis, Jr. So I give him an F.
This was one of the best of the night for me. A very different take on the Beatles, but it worked and he really got into it. He really un-Rubened himself by playing to the crowd and running around on stage. Could have been annoying but I was impressed that he took a risk (but not like the risk SOME people took - geez).
3. Ramekin: In My Life - As soon they started the opening of the show, I sat up straight in my chair. I had a vision. A vision of this song being massacred. It's a sleepy song to begin with, but man, she really found new heights of boring. She should go back to holding the honey mustard on my plate of chicken fingers, because she is totally going home.
She's ranked 11th for me in the preseason poll. She's intolerable.
If this was an audition for "Kids Inc." then YES! Otherwise - ick, ugh, terrible.
4. Feelin' Groovy: If I Fall - I'm pretty sure the full title of this song is "If I Fall Asleep", because he looked in danger of doing just that. Or maybe it was because my eyes were half closed. Yawn. If I didn't feel compelled to give the people what they want, I would have gone to bed hours ago. Thanks for not perking me up, Jason.
I can't dislike him any more.
There are about 50,000 of these dudes who break out the acoustic guitar at 3am at the Phi Psi house and mesmerize an audience of drunken college freshmen. It just doesn't work when your listeners are sober. I thought his guitar was a beat off and distracting, and he missed a bunch of notes and tried to make up for it by doing that breathy falsetto. After last week, this was quite a drop off.
5. Guinness: Come Together - I am officially on the Guinness bandwagon. She rocks. This should have been the last song last night, instead of the mess that was Archtastic. During the song, I walked into the kitchen to pour some wine (as long as I'm awake...) and for a moment, I thought I almost heard some Kelly Clarkson. Either Simon is also drinking wine, or we're just both really smart. Sadly, she was born 6 years too early to sing Black Velvet in "Songs From the Year You Were Born" show, because there were shadings of Alannah. I could go on and on about the winningness of this performance, but making fun of people is far more productive.
She's gotta be the Lady front-runner. Even though she's an Irish lady on American Idol with an Asian Tattoo. I give her 3 weeks to choose a culture.
It sounded pretty close to the original to me (or the Aerosmith version), and I thought it was good, but not as good as everyone thought it was. I liked Cyndi Lauper better. It is clear that she has the most experience performing in front of a crowd - which will help in the later rounds.
6. Daughtry II - Electric Boogaloo: Eleanor Rigby - This song is weird. Sorry to those that like the Beatles, but I just don't get it. Props to the boy from KC, but eh. I wish he would choose songs that were cool to begin with and didn't need to get rocked up to be good. Like Daughtry I did with Ring of Fire. That song is a good time in any genre.
I thought he did a nice job in parts. Started out crummy. When he wailed it was good. He's my current Man front runner. Front runner status is bolstered by the fact that the real Daughtry got screwed and then sold One hundred three billion gazillion albums and American Idol used his music all last season. There's a reckonin' a'comin'.
Pretty similar to last week. Good, but predictable that he was going to rock out with it. Jenni loves Daughtry II - but strangely enough, hates Daughtry I. I told her that if you hate Daughtry or Nickleback you are clearly a communist so I'm a bit worried. I'm keeping my eye out for copies of "The Daily Worker" at our house.
7. Brooke Davis: Let It Be - Brooke's new nickname is "Plays During Lunch at Potbelly" because I think that's what she's best for. You know, how 75% of the time they're really good singers and you wonder why they aren't more successful. But the truth is, they don't actually like looking at other people. They just like the idea of sitting up there on that balcony in the rocking chair, next to a statue of a hounddog sleeping on the engine from a 1967 Ford pickup. Plus, they make flat shoes that are good for playing the piano. You don't have to go barefoot.
I've got her ranked second in this week's poll. She was a top five seed for me in the preseason, but she steadily shows she's one of the few people on American Idol I would enjoy paying to go see---even if it's at a Pot Belly's. Even with this loss to Guinness, I don't see her dropping at all, though. There's not a tolerable third option.
She had a hard time with the camera and piano-playing, but I thought it was good. As the judges pointed out, you have to know which Beatles songs can be manipulated and which ones should be sung the way they were originally recorded. She didn't venture too far from the original arrangement, and it was better that way. I walk around barefoot in my office all the time so I was down with the not wearing flats.
8. Danny the Stripper: I Saw Her Standing There - Wow. He actually made me miss my old Tiffany cassette tape. Clearly, he wanted everyone to be sure that he saw a GIRL standing there and he wanted to dance with HER. Not men. He does not dance with men, or at least he will never dance with another one. This, of course, does not count out lapdances, since technically the one in the chair is not dancing.
This guy fell from a solid 7-8 ranking to a 10-12 in this performance. Luckily, Rhuematoid and that vacant country girl are still around. So this week he drops only to the 10 spot.
Hey, I'm all cas with my vest and untucked shirt! I know that Backstreet's back (alright!) but they don't need a 5th member. He just didn't seem to care this week- and if you can't get into the Beatles music, I'm not sure what hope there is for you.
9. Rocker Nurse: You Can't Do That - At least she looked up at the audience. Sometimes. She's fun, but in a Joe's on Weed Street or Lincoln Ave Street Festival sort of way.
She will be the most successful musical act of this year's non-finalists. Her obvious hatred of American Idol and its viewers comes through in her interviews, so she's not gonna get the warm and fuzzy vote. So stays in the middle of the pack for me. Top 4 of the ladies, though. Maybe top three.
I wish this performance would have been accompanied by subtitles, because I couldn't understand 90% of the words that came out of her mouth. There is also something irritating about her weird accent. Am I the only one who notices it? And isn't she from Indiana? I'm over the rocker thing - all you need is one week of "Latin Night" and you are toast.
10. Biceps From Down Under: Across the Universe - This song is weird too. What was up with the Beatles? Were they just high all the time? Biceps was extra Coldplay this week, but I generally liked what he did.
How can you be this attractive and yet THIS forgettable?
I really like him, but have to admit this was a boring rendition that didn't do anything for him. Like everyone else, I'm waiting for something spectacular and it just hasn't happened. His looks are enough to keep him in this until that happens- fortunately for him.
11. Curly Pickler: 8 Days a Week - Oh Curly. There was nothing sadder than her halfhearted "I liked it." as Simon was crucifying her. We know you liked it Curly. That's the problem. Actually, the problem is that you continue to stand as if you are riding your horse, when, in fact, you are not. You are nowhere near a horse, unless we count the mane that Ramekin insists on rocking.
If Sanjaya had never happened, this may have been the worst thing to ever happen on American Idol. The performance was terrible. The arrangement was horrendous. And this skank took credit for the third week in a row for turning a pop song country when it had actually already been done. Lorrie Morgan, right? Anyway. She's a lying ho. And besides, she picked one of the Beatles least favorite songs. One they never performed live. Ever.
If you would have been at my house during this performance, this is what you would have heard: OH MY GOD!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! AHHHHH!!!! It was a horrific performance - and I can't decide which is worse - the actual song or the fact that she thought someone would like it. And what was with Ryan trying to blame it on Simon - saying that he told her to do a country take on her songs? God, Ryan - you are an idiot. That's not what this was. This was Lorretta Lynn on speed. One of the worst I can ever remember on Idol.
12. Archtastic: Some Crap I've Never Heard Of and Don't Feel Like Looking Up - If he were more like ANTM, I'd be saying things like "Ha! Not so perfect now, are we?" But he's just too sad in his gigantic nehru blazers. What is the stylist thinking, making him look even tinier than he already is? I think this was like a mini Lance Bass, without Justin and JC standing there in front of him. When you get Lance up there by himself, you realize that he's just some skinny dude with a spike who wanted to fly to the moon. I digress because this was so bad, I had to fast forward to the end, just in time to hear him attempt a final run. Boo.
My sister was destroyed by this performance. But she forgives him. They can still get married.
I felt really bad for the kid because he was obviously not comfortable and was doing a version of the song that I don't think he himself was convinced that he could do. Like J said, I blame his artsy parents for never exposing him to decent Beatles songs so that he didn't know what to do. He was stuck - because he couldn't just do "Yesterday" and call it a night. But - his fan base is such that he won't really suffer for this. Thanks Brianna.
Top 3 - Guinness, Daughtry II - Electric Boogaloo and Treneyce.
In trouble - ANTM, Ramekin, Danny the Stripper and Curly.
Going home - I'm thinking it's between Ramekin and Curly, because the teenage girls are going to vote for the stripper, and everyone that voted for Vonzell in Season 4 and said things like "Vonzell is going to win, because R&B is taking over, and you should all admit that." will vote for ANTM. Look at how many people watched that Whitney and Bobby reality show. Give her a couple of weeks, and ANTM will totally be snorting crack (Can you snort crack? I don't know enough about drugs and their possible means of ingestion.) off of the judges table.
Who goes home? Curly Pickler. She's a shitty version of a shitty singer, Kelly Pickler, and she did a shitty version of a shitty song.
Here's my week three AP/Coaches/J poll (Based on an algorithm including Likelihood of Winning and Actual Talent)
1. Daughtry II: The Reckoning
2. Guinness/Budweiser/TsingTao
3. Brooke "I'm So Sweet And Genuine I've Yet To Earn A Nickname" Davis
4. Archtastic
5. Shitney Houston
6. Biceps From DownUnda'
7. Rocker Nurse
8. Treneyce
9. Feelin' Groovy
10. I'm In Luv Wit' A Stripper
11. Rhuematoid
12. Curly Pickler
Top 3?: Mary Poppins (Brooke), Guinness, Skinny Ruben
In trouble: Thunda From Down Unda (David), Feelin' Groovy, Ramekin
Going home: Curly (this is beyond obvious) Labels: idol
Wednesday, March 12, 2008 link
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The Judgment: Final 16
Oh, it's my favorite time. And luckily some of my friends are up for a good time as well. Did anyone else notice that half of these songs were covered and made famous way after the 80s? And on another side note, why is everyone wearing a f*cking scarf? Is it cold in the studio, or did I miss some kind of fashion announcement? Maybe I should wear one with my suit tomorrow at work.
My comments are in bold, J's are regular, and E's are italic.
- - - - - - - - - - -1. Orlando - I appreciate any performance of Wham. I hope he Haleys right into the top 12. I like that shirt too.Dog. Dog. Dog. Look, dog. You really did your thing up there, didn't you? You had fun right? Well here's the thing. If you are gonna do Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, and you are going to throw in the dance moves from the video, you better work that sh!t out. None of this half-a$$, half-Wham, half-hearted, finger snapping and arm swingin'. Go big or go home, Legalus. If he does make it to the next round, I hope he sings a song from his generation like, "If you like pina coladas! And gettin' caught in the rain! If you're not into yoga! If you have half a brain! If you like makin' love at midnight." I think it would really accentuate the negative. There are not enough words to describe how awful this was. You should only attempt a song like this if you are a queen like FallOut and really want neon shorty-shorts to come back into fashion. Otherwise, you sound like Donny Osmond doing bad karaoke. Yup-that's a pretty accurate description.2. Archtastic - I hate Phil Collins. Hate hate hate. I don't care that he can play the piano, I don't care that his jacket was too big, I just hate everything that happens when a Phil Collins song is playing, no matter who is singing it. And his embarrassing moment was stupid. I also don't care for people who start playing during a song, and then get up halfway through, with the music magically continuing, a la Alicia Keys. She's right up there at the front of my hate parade with Phil.You are dead on about Alicia. I think this is maybe why I think I like her as a person, but can't stand to sit through her live shows. Get it? "Stand" to "sit" through her shows? Anyway. Brianna (the younger sister) might end up marrying Archibald, so I still support his candidacy. Decent performance (his voice was good) yet probably picked the worst possible Phil Collins song out there. "Against All Odds" would have brought the house down. He won bonus points with the tweens by saying that he picked the song because he liked that it reminded everyone that there are people out there that don't have homes. AWWWWWWWW.
3. FallOut Elvis - Where to start. Things I didn't like: Purple streaks in hair. Scarf completely covering neck. Skinny jeans. Old skool high tops. Dance moves - all of them. Making eyes at the camera - ew. TMTH followed closely by TM. Strange finger on head thing at Simon. Mmhmm, in response to Ryan's lack of adoration for aforementioned streaks. Things I did like: the song arrangement. Damn it. I think he's going to make it through which saddens me, because it actually hurts my eyes to watch him. If I close my eyes and just listen it's not too bad, but it's like a train wreck - I can't force myself to not watch. Gah.Nuf sed. I hope we don't get Sanjayad by this wanker. I too noticed that the identity of the "crush" was left out. Hmmm. His come hither glances at the camera made me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. The outfit was horrendous per the usual, and I think he butchered the arrangement. The dude on my gossip site said, "Homegirl struts the stage like a 4am hooker looking for her last trick" and that he would probably be fairing better on The P'cat Dolls: Girlicious. I think that sums it up.4. Danny the Stripper - I'm pretty sure this is a Celine Dion song from the 90s, although Wikipedia tells us that it was first released by Pandora's Box in 1989. Really? I've heard how Meatloaf butchered it, so it's nice to hear a different, and yet equally painful version. I think the lack of hoodie definitely hurt the stripper, but I still hope he makes it, if for nothing else than the promise of future scandal.He sounded good. He really "bore" his soul. He really "stripped" down the Meatloaf version. Naked. Celine Dion? You picked this? On purpose? Did someone else snatch up all the Michael Bolton options? Danny, you should have done "Please Don't Go Girl" and called it a day since you are essentially a Jordan Knight wannabe. He'll make it another week though. 5. Biceps from Down Under - I swear his wife is on Kyle XY, but I'm guessing I'm wrong. I liked this song and his red leather Thriller jacket.Cool song choice. Totally loved the INXS business. Perfect for him. For me, this has been my favorite of his. He'll win and leave his wife for Naomi Watts to form an Aussie power couple that will dominate us. I really liked his performance-a REAL AUTHENTIC 80s song and he didn't even grow up here! These are the times I'm ashamed to be an American. He clearly has been to as many Coldplay concerts as I have because he has the Chris hopping and sky reaching down to a science. He's still my fave.
6. Daughtry Part Deux - If he doesn't wind up as a model for Hair Club for Men, he's going to be the lead singer in a Daughtry tribute band. Shave your head, wear a hat (but not the hat from the video, because there's your embarrassing moment right there), something needs to be done. He was my favorite. Jenni is totally in love with him. I can't get past the hair. I thought it brave song choice - but didn't like it as much as everyone else seemed to.7. Feelin' Groovy - I forget what his nickname was last week. I think it was something uncreative. Dreds maybe. I have to say that I love this song, and since he was truer to the Jeff Buckley version than the bad news Rufus Wainwright version, I'll give it to him.Here's my thing. I've seen or heard about 5 people perform this song either live or recorded. This was the worst. Go see Ari Hest tear this up. Only one I could find, on account of he hasn't recorded it. I give Ari credit for sticking to a lot of the original lyrics which are about God and not Boobies. For good lookin' 6'4" man, Ari could get away with singin' 'bout Boobies, but he keeps in Yahweh stuff at the beginning. If Feelin' Groovy knew that the 2nd verse is a reference to Samson's hair being cut to sap his powers in The Book of Judges, I'll give him props on account of his own ridiculous hair. Hopefully he also knows that Jeff Buckley died of a drug overdose. I only know the Jeff Buckley and Ari Hest versions - and it definitely wasn't as good as those. A stretch for 80s night - but it was good.8. Treneyce - I'd really like to tell him how short non-skinny guys should dress, because he can't seem to figure it out.I'm so happy Simon called him out on singing a song from the nineties. He stayed within the rules, but that sh!t's from Boomerang or The Bodyguard or somethin'.
There's already one portly Idol man who tried to channel Luther - and he just got dropped from his record label. So, you have no chance.
9. Apostrophe - Why why why didn't we think of Whitney Houston today? And why did they have to be totally original and do her songs? When every season they say "Stop doing Whitney songs." Seriously, it's even more predictable than Jackson talking about producing her albums. You don't realize how dated the orchestration is in those songs until someone busts out their fuschia top and tries to sing them.I thought that if you forgot who Whitney Houston was and you did not compare the two, that this gal did just fine. I think her pants left her with an unfortunate shape. Yikes. She's in. Ah, the Whitney songs. If you are stubborn and think that if you are black, you have to sing a song by another female black pop singer, I can find you some other options. Um, Pointer Sisters? Natalie Cole? Lisa Lisa? The Jets? Anyway - that song falls into the cheesy category and it was not going to work from the get go. Sorry! (Why did Simon have to say that after every critique last night? Stand by your opinions man!)10. Shoud've Been Eliminated Last Week - You know I have the McPheever. And she rocked this song a couple of years ago. For that reason alone, I fast forwarded through to the end of the song, and then came in here to listen to the good version.!Auf viedersehn!
I'm sorry, what song was this? I have been a spotty Idol watcher, so I didn't recognize this from when McPhee did it- but alls I know is I had no idea what song this was and on 80s night, I should. Is the idea to pick a song that no one knows what the original sounds like so that they can't compare and know how terrible it was? Well, that plan failed miserably.11. Rocker Nurse - Good times. I can do without her crazy pacing dance, but she was fun. I'm glad I called the Joan Jett, even if it was kind of a no-brainer.Definitely in the top two lady performances for me. We need to work on the choreography a bit. She stares at the ground kinda like she's looking for the back of an earring while she's pacing around. She needs to shake that habit. She only looks up when she does the rocker lady backwards chicken strut. Which she has perfected. I also give her props for not having to go find 80s looking jeans at a Ragstock. You know those suckers were in her closet.
Predictable song choice as you said, but solid. I was bothered by her inability to look up at the audience during the performance. She needs to work on that - it's odd and somewhat annoying.12. Guinness - I like Irish things. I think this song is lame, but she pretty much rocks. I'm also scared that if I say anything bad about her, she will find me and kick my ass. She frightens me.Love this song. Thought the performance was good. I think she was in the top two last night. Which tells you how bad the women are this year. She was sometimes awesome and sometimes lame. Two huge thumbs up for ignoring the camera and obviously singing your heart out. Go get 'em lassie. (This gal's s'high wasted). Ok, I really like that Cyndi song, and it is a really hard song to sing - so I liked it. She did fall short on some of the long notes but I think she also realized she did - so at least that's something. I was praying for her to do "Nothing Compares 2 U" but oh well.
13. Curly Pickler - Thanks for the Journey. But you know what makes me mad? When the judges are too stupid to know that a song has already been covered by a country artist. They didn't get when Carrie Underwood sang the Faith Hill version of "Piece of My Heart", and they totally don't know about the Lorrie Morgan version of Faithfully from the 1991 "Something in Red" album. They were right about one thing: it makes for a good country song. Just not with Pickler singing it. Way to steal everything Lorrie did, and not even admit it.!Auf viedersehn! Who is this again? Simon really hit the nail on the head a few weeks ago - she is too vanilla and forgettable. Next.14. Remoulade - Seriously that was some good stuff on my veal martini last night. Anyway. Again, I had to fast forward. And then I had to look up what she sang just now, because I blocked it out. F*cking Phil Collins. Vote her out just for that. And her weird hair.Ok. The ONLY reason this irritating little minx ain' t getting the !Auf viedersehn! is not because she did not stink. It's because she's going to get a lot of votes---not based on her talent---but based on the fact that the camera loves to go to her when they announce who's been kicked off. They do it everytime because they know she's a sappy cry baby who acts like her best friend has just been dubbed "unessential" by an Auschwitz guard. I wish she was going to get kicked off instead of Kady Malloy, so that there's a controversy about how Kady's getting by, just because she's cute. We need one of those this year.
She butchered Phil and had probably the worst outfit of the night.15. Brooke Davis - My accidental One Tree Hill nickname makes her more interesting. But I actually liked her version. I've never been wild about Pat Benetar, but I like covers that change things up, much like Alanis' My Humps cover.Maybe this was my second favorite. This may have been better than Irish Lassie on American Idol who has an Asian tattoo. See my point with the men about new arrangements. This totally worked.16. America's Next Top Model Seleisha - Stupid Whitney Houston. Stupid synthesizer bells. Just stop it. Stop singing this crap. You're not Whitney Houston - you just have her stupid 80's hair.Other than FallOut there's no contestant I hate more than this ham. I think torture for her would be a world without cameras she can't cheese too. I also don't get why people like her so much. She sings fine. Like a lot of other humans, she sings fine. She hits all the notes. But unlike all those other humans, she's the most irritatingly self-centered human. Prediction: Sayesha will be kicked off WAY before other less talented singers. The judges (who love this girl) will act like it's some outrage like when Tamyra was booted. And I'll be all, "Ha! America voted, and they hate brats." She just reeks of arrogance. Once again - nanny nanny boo boo I don’t care if you don't want me to do Whitney, I'M GONNA DO IT!!! Well, beeotch, you have now taken yourself out of the Top 12 (for me) and put yourself on par with FallOut Elvis as people that their face alone makes me want to change the channel. Stop making those faces at the camera! She belongs in a tampon commercial where all of the women are uber-excited about having their period! WHOOOPPPPEEEE!!!!!- - - - - - - - - - -So my predictions/hopes for eliminations are as follows: Should've Been Eliminated Last Week (Kady Malloy) for sure, and the other girl to go will be Apostrophe, ANTM or Remoulade. As for the guys, I think it will be Orlando and either Treneyce or the Stripper, although I would really enjoy it if FallOut went away. Tough call.SO: my predicted bootings are Curly (and oily) Pickler and Kady Malloy. Who I would like to see booted are Rheumatoid and Slutyesha. Labels: idol
Thursday, March 06, 2008 link
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The Judgment
Because I like nothing more than judging other people, and since I refuse to say anything about work or other things I'm working on, American Idol is the perfect way to start putting some posts up here. I've also stolen some comments from some very wise friends - they're good at judging people too. Although they have also created a number of fantastic contestant nicknames, this is my website, so we're using mine.
If you're not into the Idol, your other option here will be to talk about March Madness. Drake is currently ranked number 20 and will totally be in my bracket to go to the Final Four, where they will royally lose to KU. Rock.Labels: idol
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