The Nose

Note: This post is not for the faint of heart. Actually, I'm not even sure if I can handle it myself. My parents will find this incredibly amusing.

I pretty much always have ato blow my nose. That's just my lot in life, and I've accepted it. I go and buy my generic claritin and show my ID and sign away my firstborn to purchase pseuphodrine, and I religiously take them (or not, depending on how religious I'm feeling).

Every once in a while, the allergies (to what? it's the middle of winter...there's no ragweed to be found, Chicago...) will kick into overdrive and I'll have a full blown cold.

Yes, I know the two things aren't related at all, but I feel fine, other than an overwhelming lack of breathing capability, so maybe you should keep your thoughts to yourself, especially if you have the power of both nostrils.

I digress. I've been fighting a cold all week, and by "fighting," I mean "losing," so needless to say, I've gone through about six boxes of kleenex. Incuding one that I carried around at a party last weekend. (Incidentally, it was a cast party of friends that have often seen or heard the wrath of my nose, so I didn't care about looking incredibly uncool.) There is a mountain of used kleenex next to my desk and my bed, and I won't even attempt to describe the state of my truck.

So I was talking to my parents last night, and I had to cough every once in a while, but I always brush it off with a wry "well, that's just how it is" chuckle, which then erupts into a coughing fit, which, trust me, is fairly effective in getting the point across. Then my mom had a brilliant idea.

Mom: You should try nasal irrigation.
Me: What's that?
Mom: It's just a saline solution that you use to clear out your sinuses.

Does anyone else see the inherent problem with this solution? One's sinuses are INSIDE ONE'S HEAD. In order to clear them out, one must PUT SOMETHING UP ONE'S NOSE.

Weren't we told since we were little that we should not put things in our nose? I'm fairly certain that I've seen many a sitcom where the lovable moppet is playing with a quarter or something and then the hapless parents have to run to the emergency room to retrieve it, and while the doctor's in there, they also find a penny and nickel, and maybe you should keep an eye on your kid, or at least stop letting him play with your change.

I once had a camera go through my nostril to film my vocal cords. It was the most surreal experience ever. Watching a tube go ALL THE WAY THROUGH MY NOSE and out into my head made me understand what people who do drugs experience on a daily basis. There are just some things people should not see. Like the inside of one's head.

But I digress again. My parents go on to tell me that they both do it every day and that it's changed their lives. Let's look at this a different way:

Dad: I do it every morning.
Mom: Me too.
Dad: It's harmless.
Mom: You should try it.
Dad: Everybody's doing it.

Does it sound like my parents may be doing crack every morning? I'm sure that would have the same nasal cleansing effect. I asked if one had to be sober to do this, because I was fairly certain that was the only way I was going to be able to try this, and my dad said that although it might be 5:00 somewhere, maybe one shouldn't be drinking at 6:30 in the morning. I responded that A) I did not care to be up at 6:30 in the morning in any instance, and B) mimosas have lots of vitamin C, and who doesn't have time for a little health in the morning? and C) I doubted that I would be able to do this without a couple of shots in me.

After assuring me that I wouldn't drown (Except don't do it before you go to bed! You might drown!) my parents turned the conversation to other subjects like how my Dad learned to give himself an injection without practicing on an orange first. Awesome.

On my way home from the meeting I couldn't find my cell phone. It was buried underneath a pile of used kleenex. That's gross. On a whim, I stopped at a 24 hour CVS and bought a kit. And some chips and salsa. Some things just don't change.

I put it in my bathroom and went to watch Grey's Anatomy. I planned on going to bed and I didn't want to try it and then drown, so I waited until I woke up at 7:45.

It's far less scary to look at than one might speculate. It's just a squeeze bottle. My shampoo bottle is actually scarier. Nothing had to go up my nose, I just had to squeeze the contents of the bottle into my nostril and then presto! I'd be able to breathe. After three attempts to warm up some ice mountain water (does anyone actually keep distilled water in their house?) in the microwave (harder than it sounds...shut up), I was finally able to dissolve the saline stuff in the bottle. Then I took the bottle and put it up to my nostril. And I squeezed.

What happened next chilled me to my very core. My nose filled up with water and I started to drown. Yes, this was the same feeling that I had when I was taking swimming lessons at the Y, and look how that turned out? Not well. I panicked a bit and then realized that I wasn't drowning, especially since I could still breathe out of my mouth, and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT COMING OUT OF MY OTHER NOSTRIL?

That's right. The stuff goes in one nostril and then out the other. Or out of your mouth. Or both. Except it's a far thicker liquid that is dripping from your lip than is coming out of the bottle.

As my sinuses are fairly full at the moment, I had to use all six ounces. SIX OUNCES OF WATER FLOWING THROUGH MY NOSE. I had to blow my nose several times during the process and when it was all done, I can breathe a bit easier, but my nose is still stuffed up. And I feel waterlogged. There's the hint of salt water at the back of my throat that will not go away.

The box comes with 50 uses. And the instructions say that you should use it 1-2 TIMES A DAY. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'd rather just take my pills.