The Beetle

We always have the Asian beetles around. You know, the ones that look like lady bugs but are like mean lesbian bugs that bite or something, because there is nothing pleasant about them. Not that lesbians aren't pleasant. Although if a few of them bit me the way an Asian beetle does, I might be more wont to classify the whole group as unpleasant. But don't worry, there have been no vicious biting lesbians around, Asian or otherwise.

Right. Not the point. The point is that one of them (the beetles, not the lesbians...will you catch up please?) has been flying around my bedroom for the better part of an hour. He has enjoyed hanging out by the lamp next to my bed, so I've gotten the opportunity to observe him in his natural habitat: the brink of my insanity at the idea that he might fly into my mouth while I'm asleep. That's where they thrive (on the brink, not in a human mouth...ew). And because I can see him up close, I have noticed that he's a baby.

Awesome. I can't wait for the day that his teeth grow in and he realizes that he's been flying around a feast for the last week and a half without even knowing it. And then the biting begins.

Please, no emails from entomologists. I know that in addition to being hermaphroditic and genderless, an Asian beetle is born with a full set of teeth and the innate desire to bite things. I was simply comparing a small Asian beetle with a growing human child. But now you've ruined it. Thanks a lot.

I actually tried going to sleep with the lights on to keep the beetle occupied, but it just made me aware of his presence and besides who can sleep with all the lights on? Then I thought that if I just turned off the light, he wouldn't be able to see me, so he wouldn't be able to bite me. This will work until the sun rises, so I must change my schedule to rise and fall with the sun. This will be most effective when it comes time to milk the cows and feed the chickens, although it will be a problem when I realize that I have neither cows nor chickens, nor the ability to milk or feed, respectively. I'd probably just go get a sausage croissant from Dunkin Donuts. That's a good way to start the morning.

He also appears to enjoy the laptop screen, so if he flies in here, I'm slamming the lid down which will pretty much end my laptop days. If that happens in the middle of a post, I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to do? Just let him hang around? I certainly can't kill him with a kleenex. Bugs with exoskeletons are majorly creepy. I cannot get behind anything that crunches when squashed, except maybe a nice cracker or some popcorn.

And he just flew onto my leg. It's only a matter of time now.