Friday, May 27, 2005

The Stalker

I've been sitting here, trying to write a post just for Allen, but nothing is coming out. It's exciting having a stalker, and I don't want to mess it up by putting something lame out there.

I had a stalker once. Not so much a stalker as...someone who figured out that my old phone number (333-3338) could by used for third party billing. I have no idea how he did it, but once I picked up the phone and there was the operator saying "Will you accept a collect call from _____" (Except she didn't actually say "______." That's when the person calling interjects their name so that you can recognize them. That makes sense. Because if someone named Sarah or Jenny called me collect and I didn't hear their voice, then I don't know if I would accept that. I know lots of Sarahs and Jennies, and what if someone knew that and took advantage of my lack of details? what if they'd stolen my cell phone and saw all the Sarahs and Jennies and thought they'd pull a fast one. Except if they've already stolen my phone, then why are they making collect calls in the first place? That makes no sense. Let's just close up this parenthetical and move on.) Anyway. So the blank is filled in with a scary voice that says "Butch."

I do not know anyone named Butch. I think I would be nervous to know anyone named Butch. That conjures up the image of the villain from Popeye, and I do not want to associate with anyone that might be inclined to steal my hamburgers. That's just not cool. So I quickly said no and hung up the phone, praying that Butch didn't actually hear me say no and then pound his fist into his hand saying, "That little runt...I'll make him pay..."

Little did I know that he was in prison. So when my parents saw all these charges on my line from the Jackson County Correctional Facility, I managed to put two and two together. We disputed the charges and changed my phone number. Sad, because it was a really cool number, but at least I knew that Butch was not going to come and get me, unless he got time off for good behavior, and judging all by the phone call fraud, he didn't seem like a model prisoner.

But Allen seems much more harmless, and he appears to like cake. I can hang with anyone who likes cake. Here's a tip though. If you're going to be staking out my house waiting for me to appear in the front yard, you should know that I don't get up until 10. If it's an early day, then 9, but please do yourself a favor and sleep in. You're not going to get any good stalking done early in the morning. And you don't have to call collect. Just call, do some breathing, and hang up like normal stalkers. Butch didn't know how to do it, but maybe that's why he's in prison.

Oh, and if you left some cake on my front porch, just as a gesture, I wouldn't say boo.
5/27/2005 10:10:00 AM link | talk (2)

 Thursday, May 26, 2005
The Cake

I've been listening to MacArthur Park as part of my "listen to all songs Carrie Underwood" extravaganza. I know it's supposed to be about war or something, but I can't shake the notion that it's really about the proper treatment of baked goods.

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, nooooo


Why would you leave cake out in the rain? That's just stupid. Cake is meant to be treated nicely. You should put it in my tummy, not in the rain. Especially if you aren't ever going to get that recipe again. We're talking once-in-a-lifetime cake, and that's the kind of thing that I need to be a part of.

The problem here is that people just aren't respecting the importance of cake. Plus, what's wrong with Donna Summer that she can't remember a recipe for something that she just made? Does she have amnesia? And why does it take so long to bake? Are there lots of layers? Is she making it from scratch?

On Tuesday there was some dude in the elevator (who appeared to have cut the bill of his baseball cap off, leaving him with some strange looking fitted beanie, but that's really not the point of this, now is it?) with a to-go box from somewhere, and a nice piece of chocolate cake perched atop the wilted styrofoam. Completely out in the open. Ripe for the stealing. He was probably an undergrad, so I definitely could have taken him. I mean, for cake. That's important. But I had a nice tie on, so I didn't want to mess it up, and it's much easier to steal cake in a park than an elevator.

You know what kind of cake really rules? Red Velvet. If there were red velvet cake in MacArthur Park, I promise you that I would not let it melt away in the rain. But I understand why Donna might forget how to make it. That's tricky. Come on, what's in that stuff? (It must be made with crack, because I definitely feel high every time I eat it.) If she were confused though, someone should tell her that she can just go to the Brown Line stop at Merchandise Mart, because there's a big poster for hp digital cameras and printers that details someone's efforts at making the aforementioned goodness. Except they decorate it with blueberries and some little purple flowers. I don't understand that. Don't put flowers on the cake. You might as well just put it in the park.

Hmm. I've just read back through this post and it makes about as much sense as MacArthur Park.

I could really use some cake.
5/26/2005 12:28:00 PM link | talk (3)

 Monday, May 23, 2005
The Downloads

It's been a long weekend of homework. But after Wednesday, I'm done with all my finals. Which leaves graduation in two weeks, a sumemr class, and oh...that thesis thing.

I don't care. I'm spending the few amounts of free time donwloading Carrie Underwood songs from American Idol and reading plays for brown couch's ten-minute play festival.

What am I going to do when it's over? I only have two more episodes and then I have to wait for a whole year. And it's going to take that long for Carrie's album (and win or not, she'll have one) to come out. Same with Bo. And I will need both of them.

Seriously, with school and American Idol ending at the same time, you're going to find me wandering the streets with nothing to do.

I should at least buy an mp3 player to take with me. I like this one. If anyone feels like buying me a graduation present, I won't say boo.
5/23/2005 02:49:00 PM link | talk

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
The Rest

I spent so much time doing homework the last two days, that today has been completely unproductive.

Completely.
5/17/2005 03:31:00 PM link | talk

Thursday, May 12, 2005
The Impending

Somehow I've almost made it through another week of class. My worst one (today) only has one more session before the stupid oral exam. Now it's all about finishing final projects and turning in tests. Oh, and getting started on that damn thesis.

Off to class. But Chipotle is also in my future, so it could be worse.
5/12/2005 01:34:00 PM link | talk

Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The Meme

Man, now I know why I don't do these things. It's a waste of time and I just wind up feeling lame that other people have more than me. But I was bored and did not want to work on homework. So here you go.

These are my URL ABCs:
5/10/2005 12:29:00 PM link | talk

Monday, May 09, 2005
The Missing

I have an old Michael Damian cd, purchased after I heard him sing on the Tonight Show way back when. There's a dumb song on there called "Missing." It's about missing children and how they shouldn't be afrais because we're going to find them.

I wish he would sing to my missing cds. I hope they're not afraid, and I don't want them to feel bad that I've just purchased $2 replacements for them. They were very important to me, but I can't live without them.

I went upstairs to grab and old k.d. lang cd and it wasn't there. My heart racing, I went through all the cds to no avail. My worst fear had come true. Some of my cds have gone missing. Like my Sheryl Crow Globe Sessions. I love that cd. I have a feeling that they're somewhere together, rocking out. There's a reason the Michael Damian cd is still on the shelf, because no one wants to rock with him, much as I enjoyed the cd in its heydey.

I've also taken this opportunity to purchase a new Robbie Williams Greatest Hits cd. True, I have one right here. But it's the Portuguese version, and I do not want that. I want the UK version, and they should not have sent me Spanish songs. I do not speak Spanish. I speak English. Please only send English songs from now on.

And now I just bought a cd that I promised someone I would send them years ago. Literally years. Sometimes I'm slow.

Maybe if I took off my headphones.
5/09/2005 12:01:00 AM link | talk

Monday, May 02, 2005
The Journal

It's 4:13 am, and I'm almost done with my homework. Why is it taking so long, you ask?

Because it's stupid busy work, and not only am I most often unmotivated to do it, it takes for-freaking-ever to get done. If that weren't enough, we're required to go down to the campus at a day and time when none of us have class and many of us have other committments (you know, like jobs) to turn in these "journals."

I don't mind journals as a rule. That's why I have a blog. But I mind being forced to take notes in class and then retype them. And then turn both copies in to be sure that I've left nothing out and that I've thought about the notes and added in a few bon mots that have come to me during a period of reflection.

The only bon mots I have come up with so far are this:

We can add the word "precis" to the list of words/phrases that I hate, along with vis-a-vis and aesthetics. Sometimes arts management blows.

I should really try to keep up with this more, because otherwise I end up getting no sleep the night before I have to turn this thing in.

When there are word count requirements, using the term "not-for-profit" equals three words, while "non-profit" only equals two. It's worth the extra typing.

I will never ever look in this book again, even though they promise that I will later in my career. I'm so sure that I'll be all high-flying and suddenly need to know what my thoughts were on pragmatic ethics, or what Edward R. Murrow said about American television in 1958.

I'm hungry.

I know, that last one is a little off the subject, but it's after 4am. I'm allowed.
5/02/2005 04:13:00 AM link | talk (4)